Thank you for the venom.

When I started this blog I promised to be more positive. To write about things I love, things that excite me instead of things that bring me down. Things that ''take the light behind my eyes''. Y'all know what I'm hinting at aren't you?  The problem was that these happy things or happy times if you will came so rarely that I had nothing to write about. Happy memories are few in between which I guess in a way makes sense, makes you treasure them more. But today. Today is a good one.

So last Friday something went down that I never imagined I will ever see happen and it honestly pretty much erased all the bad shit happening this year. And believe me there was a lot of bad shit happening this year but this…this is a ray of hope that maybe, just maybe now that we're entering a new decade it won't be as fucked up as the past one was.

It was a concert. And you're going to ask me how can a concert erase a year long darkness and sorrow? Well it can. If it's the right band. If it's the right music. If there are the right feelings. They can do a lot. Music is the only thing I believe has the power to heal, break barriers, bring people together, make people happy, make people feel again, and if yours doesn't do that for you, then you just haven't heard the right type of music yet. I honestly wish everyone had the opportunity to feel that kinda love, that kinda devotion, and get to see their favourite artist preform live. It's amazing. And it's just, unexplainable happiness.

First of all I gotta say something about something. I find it personally offensive that My chemical romance played their first show in 6 years and I wasn't there. Like how? Second. Diet shampoo you're my hero and I love you. Third I have two settings right now ''I'm going to fight Frank Iero and there's nothing you can do to stop me'' and ''I will protect Frank Iero at all costs and there's nothing you can do to stop me''.

Oh my god you guys! The show. The emotions. The support from the crowd. God. What I'd do to be there, sell a kidney, you don't need two of those bitches, but I need my boys for at least a bit of happiness in my tragic life. The whole anticipation towards the show that was building up all week and mostly entire Friday was enough to send me feral or make me frantic or whatever the hell the proper terms are these days.

The boys giving fans outside blankets, that's enough to kill this bitch. It's probably one of my new fantasies to be wrapped in a hug and blanket by Gerard Way himself. Hell. Can't breathe just thinking about it. Or the fact that he also gave a dog a blanket. Seriously Gee, stop, I can't handle the cuteness. At that point my heart probably exploded into rainbows and unicorns and cherry flavoured lip balm. No joke.

The symbols on the merch trailer. The witches sigil on Gee (I know what you did there). The way he said ''we're gonna continiue to punish you''. Please stop. For real. Okay. Enough. I can't take no more. I think I need a safe word. Something in the lines of kumquat if you know what I mean.

That insanely loud chant of Mikeys name. I died all over again. I am just SO proud of him. Really. I remember years back when Gee said if there's ever to be a reunion it's most likely going to be without Mikey, but he got over his shit, over his addictions, looks better than ever, plays amazing, and the ammount of support he got was nothing short of what he deserved. And I am so happy for him.

Are we going to talk about that ''sass queen'' on stage? Because it's ''pretty stabby'' right? The way he sips tea? The way he walks? The Destroya moans?! No, you guys, no I'm really not okay. Good thing the show started with that song because I don't think any of us were really okay ever since Halloween. The fact that they knew that there will be a reunion since 2017! Oh my god you smug sons of bitches. Any interview you watch where they say ''no reunion'' ''it's not going to happen'' etc, those are the faces of people that know exactly what they are doing and I both love them and hate them for it.  Let's be clear. I am 99% sure that Frank was the only active member online for the past two years because he's the only one capable of lying through his teeth. The Jonas brothers? I'm on to you Frankie. Especially smug on that one ''the rumour of My chemical romance being back is like a broken clock'' not a record but a clock…he wasn't sick being asked about it was he? It's a clock because even a broken clock is right two times a day. You smug motherfucker you. I hate you and love you so much.

How about the fact that each show usually ended up with Helena so that the last sung verse was ''so long and good night'' but this show ended with ''this one last song, maybe it's the one you wanna hear, I don't know'' and it was The black parade which ends with ''we'll carry on''? these guys don't do coincidents this is all a clever plan of some sort and it's making me all antsy and excited. There's probably little things in life, well ''material'' things that I want as bad as a EU show so I can finally see my boys live.

OH MY GOD for the first time ever Frank did that intro on stage! The intro you guys! ''oh I'm there baby'' shit I think I was too at that very second.

The angel! The reunion angel is actually a statue in NYC called ''Angel of the waters'' created by a lesbian sculptor and therefore a huge LGBT spot. Can I die just now? Because this is just too perfect.

Ray? Your fluffy headbanging? Loved it. You're perfect.

That band is all that, sassy and roasting fans and saying shit but at the end of the day they're nice people that actually love their fans (were even surprised by the sheer impact the band had on the world and how loved they really are) and each other and the music.

I don't get it though, are we supposed to just like carry on now? I'm not ready. I wasn't ready when they broke up, I wasn't ready when the ''came back'' ten times in the past, and I sure as hell wasn't ready when Rock Sound on Halloween posted ''MCR is back this is not a drill''. How the fuck am I supposed to move on, each photo I see makes me wanna cry. Happy tears.  And just to be fair, I love this fucking fanbase so much. I mean there were so many that livestreamed the show for all of us who couldn't be there, they made us feel included and honestly that's about the kindest and nicest possible thing. You're all angels and I love you and I hope nothing but good things happen to y'all in the new decade.

And lastly. I just love how the show was just them. No stage persona or whatever else. Just the boys as they are. And just, they look great, so happy, they sound so good and if I keep this up there's gonna be another fucking flood. Shut up y'all this bitch is finally happy about something.

So, so long and goodnight.  

Not my gif, credit goes to the unknown owner, let me know if you know em so I can tag or remove.

This song saved my life.

''I wanna start letting you know this because of you my life has a purpose, you helped me be who I am today I see myself in every word you say. Sometimes it feels like nobody gets me, trapped in a world where everyone hates me, there's so much that I'm going through I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.

I was broken, I was choking, I was lost, this song saved my life. I was bleeding, stopped believing, could have died, this song saved my life. I was down, I was drowning but it came on just in time, this song saved my life.''

Today there's no record. First because the band I chose to write about only has one album released on vinyl and I don't have it. *gasps* what horror huh? Hah. No but really it does suck. I hate not having it. But I do have CD's (each one of them bought in a different country mind you). And a shit ton of love for them. So I sat here thinking should I preach you on my views how loving two people at the same time is a thing and can happen and it doesn't mean that you love one of them less or more just different? But then I realized what's the point?I said before that this blog should be positive reflecting on things I care about, things I'm passionate about, things I love. And that is what I will do.

Right dear family, before we get into it, just a quick warning, these were the posts all my readers hated on my other blog, so you might want to walk away now, but if you keep on reading, don't say you haven't been warned...

You know that song From the rooftops by Bowling for soup? I think that song describes my relationship perfectly, but there's a line in it ''She’s got another guys name tattooed on her ass''. I can tell you that that line relates to me and this specific band I'll write about just now more then perfectly. Berlin. 3 AM. Tattoo shop. Very drunk. It seemed like a smart idea at the time. What did I know? I was 16 years old convinced that someday we're going to get married. Stupid. But I don't know one of my fondest memories these days. Life was a mess back then too but it was better in so many ways. So then...

You know I actually remember the first moment I fell in love with Simple plan? Back in the day when Mtv made sense? Yes kids, I'm old. Mtv used to be good. I was about 11 years old, sitting on my dad's old couch in his office watching random music videos when something new came on. I see this guy sitting on a bridge and a backed up road with the band playing in the middle of it, and the lyrics that just screamed about my frustration with the entire world. ''Welcome to my life'' really described perfectly how I felt. It was love at first sight. Let's not get into this whole ''emo'' vibe David was oozing or Sebastiens perfect guitar. Love love love.

They were the first band that got me into this pop punk music scene, because of them there's so much good music in my life today. Yes I love old rock, hair metal most, but there's a huge part of me dedicated to punk rock music. Simple plan, All time low, Green day, Blink 182, Neck deep, the list goes on and on.

But Simple plan are something concrete, a constant if you will in my life. I've been through hell and back a few times in the past 10+ years and they were always there to make me feel better, to show me that I am not alone and to make life easier. You know how nice it feels when you feel like the whole world is against you but then there's a song, a singer, a band that understands you? Who's lyrics say everything you couldn't, or were too scared to say?

Have you ever felt completly lost? Like you'll never find your way again? I have. More then once. I still do. Have you ever felt so broken that you thought you'd never heal again? That there are just pieces of you that are too small or just gone and can't be put together again? I have. I do. All the time. Pain pain pain. It never stops. All my life I was the girl that never mattered, ignored, pushed aside or replaced, by too many people to count, by friends, by family. And to be fair deep down I still am that girl. I get mistreated a lot, I get hurt a lot. And this is where my favorite band comes in (yes, you read that right, no matter how obsessed I am with GN'R or Boss or Crue, my ''favorite band throne'' belongs to Simple plan and nobody will throw them off of it).

Over the years, over all the lonliness when I felt like I couldn't confide in anyone they were the only thing to give me comfort. They taught me to have less regrets, to take chances, because they might as well be the only ones you'll get, to laugh, to enjoy life with the ones you love and that if you fall down it's not the end of the world, true hero is the one that falls up nine times and gets up ten. They taught me to learn from my mistakes but not let them define me. They as people and their music as my inspiration made my life so much better, so special and so different. Everyone of them made a difference and without them I wouldn't be half the person I am today because I'd still be that scared little girl with no idea how to get up and fight for what I believe in, for what I want.

If you're religious you'll understand, you have your faith in God, I have my faith in music, completly different but yet just the same. It gives me comfort, it makes me see the world differently. Less dark, less depressing and less meaningless. Thing is when life was literally the worst for me, catastrophe after catastrophe their music helped, and just as it did before it is now. I've been going through some things recently, rough things, painful things, things that would make a sane person go insane, and the only reason I am not yet insane is them. I am stronger because of them. They are fighting the same demons as I am.

They are my inspiration, behind my work, behind my lyrics when I still wrote them, for my drawings, for my photography. They made me look at life and certain things completly differently, they showed me so many things that are wrong with the world that I had no idea about, they inspired me to get active to help people, animals, those that I can as much as I can. Of course that also got me in trouble with the law but let's be honest, nothing good is ever legal. Changes for the good are always crazy, if public vote had the power to change anything it would be illegal. Today I don't care about my ''run in with the law'' I can say I'm proud of it really. I got up and spoke up for those that can't and I would do it again.

It's been years of fangirling before I could see them live. And I remember it like it was yesterday. God I was nervous. It was in Austria and I was there for a couple of days, the morning before the show? I put salt in my coffee, removed my eye makeup with acetone instead of makeup remover, ripped my shoelace and swalloved my gum. Talking about a recipe for disaster huh? Let's not even get into the fact that I planned my outfit for a month before the show and I realized I forgot the right clothes at home. Jesus fucking christ what a mess. Everyone was like, it's just clothes, it's just a show, the band won't be looking at you. But it's not about that at all is it? I wasn't trying to impress the band. I was freaking out because of me, because I couldn't comprehend that I will actually see my heros live standing on that stage.

To this day I can't describe the raw emotion. There was so much happiness, so much love, so much of it all. So many tears too. I shared the love for this band with my best friend. Seeing them live was something we said we will do together but we never got the chance to do it. Maybe that's why going alone was so hard for me, maybe that's why it took me so long. But at the end I couldn't be happier I did it. The show was perfect. All of their shows I saw were perfect. And I literally was that fan that ''camps'' in front of the venue for hours waiting for the doors to open to be in the front row. Each time. And it was so worth it you know. The band up close. The personal contact, the smiles...so worth it. It's been a while since I saw them live though, I missed out on their anniversary tour, don't ask, this blog can not hold that much misery if I start talking about it now. Or about one of the members struggle with depression, the near thought that he's hurting is literally killing me. So much more when I know that there is nothing we can do about it. Only show him love and support on social media. Which btw I do. A lot. While we're at it; Ça fait longtemps que tu es parti, mais tu es plus important pour nous que tout nous nous t'attendrons jusqu'à ce que tu sois prêt, reste fort, e sais que tu peux combattre ça. Je t'aime tellement.

I won't be writing music reviews because everything I say is biased. I love the band too much so commenting on their songs wouldn't make much sense. Except that one with Juliet Simms on their last album. That one I hate, which might as well have something to do with me hating Juliet Simms. Anyways. There aren't words to thank the band for all they did to me, for all the light in all my darkest days, for making me who I am, for changing my life to the better, for making me better by opening my world to things that matter, things I knew nothing about. For the people I met because of them, some still happy to call friends today. For showing me a different kind of love, for giving me a sense of family I didn't feel I had before (Astronauts will understand what I'm on about here). For literally pulling me off the edge I was once at, long story and not for this post. How can you thank a person that did so much for you?

They've been a part of my life for more then half of it, they'll be forever that much is clear and I wil be forever grateful and thankful for having them. For that one boring rainy day when I had nothing better to do then scroll mindlessly through tv channels and stopping on Mtv.

I love them, unconditionally, thank you boys so much for all the love, the kindness, the knowledge, happiness, good times, bad times, sadness and emotion, escape from reality, laughter, everything that you gave me through the years. Thank you for making everything okay and making me feel less alone and less afraid. And thank you for being that hero that I needed so bad. I love you.

''Sometimes I feel like you've known me forever, you always know how to make me feel better, because of you my dad and me are so much closer than we used to be. You're my escape when I'm stuck in this small town, I turn you up whenever I feel down. You let me know like no one else that it's okay be myself.

I was broken, I was choking, I was lost, this song saved my life. I was bleeding, stopped believing, could have died, this song saved my life. I was down, I was drowning but it came on just in time, this song saved my life.

You'll never know what it means to me. That I'm not alone, that I'll never have to be.''

Simple plan - This song saved my life