Wear strength and darkness equally well, because girl you're half goddess and half hell.

''Ko padeš, pridejo oni...''

Anyone else celebrating the end of the holidays tomorrow instead of New years? No? Just me? Okay then...I can't tell you in words how estatic I am that December is ending. I never liked it and grew to hate it even more lately. I guess I'll just never understand it, the hysteria, the forced happiness, the fake smiles, the pretending everything is fucking fantastic, the ''happy families'' that are only happy on Instagram, or the herd mentality of people. January second still happens, and reality still hits you. I don't know. I don't get it. 

I'm not going to write a 2023 write up, lets face it mentally I am still stuck in 2019. I can't honestly process we're stepping into 2024 tomorrow. How did that happen? When did it happen?! Wild. 2023 was...well interesting. A lot of bad things, a lot of new things but also a lot of good things. New friends, new love, new life in a way. I got conclussions to things I always wondered about, I got some answers to some unanswered questions. I learned to understand things about myself that made no sense. Maybe I don't know how to love myself yet but lets call it tolerating for now huh? It's a start. It sure as hell is better than all my past summaries of nothing but devastation and sadness. This year is better. Brighter. And things were completely fucked up don't think they weren't, but maybe I reached a point where I know how to cope with it better. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't have to cope alone. Who knows. 

Maybe new understandings also bring new...ideas? Tactics? Choices? Like this one, ''smile more, your enemies absolutely hate it''. I should. Nothing pisses off people more, than seeing you're doing good without them. Maybe I also should learn how ''not every action needs a reaction''. Some people, well most people, don't deserve neither me wasting my time on them, nor my forgivness, and even less my affection. I need to do better in this area. Love those who deserve it, fucking forget those that already forgot about you. People that want to be in your life will make an effort, not make excuses. I know that now. 

I learned that not everything needs an ending too. Like, I have a hard time with lose ends, with things that don't have a conclussion, which is funny because I have a chronical problem of never finishing anything. But some things will never get that ending I'm craving, some things will never be answered, some things will never make sense, and that's okay, because it's really not on me to fix them. I need to do better in the fantastic art of not giving a fuck and moving on. I learned to be less afraid, because at this point what the fuck else can happen to rattle me? Not much right? I mean I've been through hell and back already, what do I have to fear? Maybe you guys should, if I look into the fire and smile, it's time to run. 

A lot changes when you realise there's really only three types of people on this planet. People who help you through difficult times, people who leave you in difficult times, and people who put you in difficult times. I guess this realisation is what made me cold. Shut down. People don't need to know things about you, sharing things should be reserved to those close to you only, and that circle my friends is closing in on itself daily. The only difference now is that I don't care. If you walk out of my life, I never again plan on chasing you, and you know why? Because in reality, people don't deserve second chances, because they never change. They make you believe they do....but really...nah. 

I've been told by a lot of people that I changed. People that haven't seen me in a while. Maybe. But really no. Things that happened to me, changed me. They make it sound like a bad thing, I mean yeah a lot is not to the good, but a lot is. I am no longer letting people get away with their bullshit. I am never again letting anyone walk all over me, I am never again settling for anything less, than what I deserve. I know how to sit back, be quiet and observe, I know how people only care when they have some sorta use from you. And I know who deserves to stay in my life and who should be long gone. 

I am not making any new years resolutions by the way, I find it hilarious how people are so motivated for all these idiotic things they come up with, and lose all will power to do them by the end of January. Get skinny? Stop drinking? Stop smoking? Do this, do that. Blah blah blah. I'm just gonna sit back and be grateful for the good things in the past year tbh. I am grateful for the little progress in the artistic department, I'm grateful for every nice comment I get and for everyone clicking like on my work. That means the world to me. I am grateful for the live music. Never again taking that for granted. After lockdowns even small hometown shows with THE WORST crowd seem like a blessing. I am grateful for the seaside and the peace it brings me, for being able to go get lost in my favorite places for a couple of days in a year. Always grateful. I am so grateful for my friends, those that are always here, always listening to my bullshit, always offer advice, and if they have none just sit and listen, and are a postitive presence in my life. I am so grateful for things in my life that are GOOD, you know actually good. So much has gone and is wrong that even the tiniest things like, putting on the perfect makeup, a fake smile, a killer outfit and showing people hell, that is something to be grateful for. 

Maybe I'm not where I want to be yet, maybe things are not as they should be yet. But...that's perfectly fine. There's no hurry. There's no deadlines. I honestly believe things happen in their own pace for all of us and if we're not where we want to be yet, that doesn't mean we never will be. If we're not happy yet, it doesn't mean we never will be. It just takes a little time right? I wont sit here and pretend that 2024 is the year where finally everything falls to place. With my luck it's more likely everything falls to pieces instead, but I'm letting the options open, hey maybe everything will be in fact alright? A lot of changes are coming, a lot of new things, a lot of...a lot of a lot, some scary as hell and some kinda perfect and exciting and I plan on focusing on that. And the bad times...well take your best shot life, without the bad times we wouldn't know how to appreciate the good ones after all. 

We live in dark depressing times to be honest, and I wonder everyday, where the fuck are we headed, and what the fuck are we even doing. With all this darkness all around, if we can bring a bit more light then we absolutely should. And that's really all I wish you guys in the new year. Love, light, laughter, peace, happiness. That's what life is all about after all. 

Happy New year guys! 

11.12.2023

I am sitting here and I am sobbing. I know, shocking. I do that all the time lately, seems it grew into a hobby by now. What a shame it's not something I could make money off of. I imagine I'd surpass the Kardashians by now...but this is different. Different kind of sobbing. I am angry. I am relieved. I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I am lost. I am afraid. But I finally understand. So many things, so freaking many things make sense now, and I'm angry for all the opportunities, for all the life, for all the...everything really, that was taken from me, or just ended up not happening because something, like an invisible force field held me back. 

I've been different since I was in middle school, or well probably sooner, but here's the first time I can remember really being the odd one out. I never fit in basically anywhere, and try as I might, I never understood people around me. They'd call me strange, odd, weird, loner, etc...and nobody ever could actually pin point why. Oh I'm an artist, bohemic, gifted, a smartass, into strange hobbies and things etc. Everything that should in theory be a good thing but really it just made me feel disabled. Because no matter how gifted I can be in my areas, all that's been doing is separating me from the majority and sometimes, sometimes you just want to be normal and fit in. Even if you end up dumbing yourself down for it. 

I guess I knew all my life really that something is ''wrong'' with me, but never knew what name the ''wrong'' has. Never knew what label to put on, never knew what IT is. And even now, well into my adult life I was scared, scared of stigma, judgement, or just general misunderstanding that came with it, which made it seek out a diagnosis a prolonged ordeal. And then there was the wondering, maybe I'm just strange, or weird, maybe nothing is ''wrong'' with me just...I don't fit in. Maybe I'm just you know, dramatic, over reacting, everyone goes through tough times, everyone has their own issues. 

I think what pushed me to actually seek out a professional diagnosis was the need to understand, understand why sometimes I wanna scream when I can't do what seems to be an easy task and others saying ''well you're an adult, you should be able to...'', no Karen I just can't. I have no explanation except that there's things you do, and don't even need to think about (getting a haircut per say) make me wish I'd drink battery acid instead. 

You have no idea how tough seeking out a dignosis ended up being. How many circles of hell I ended up going through, oh you're an imposter, there's nothing wrong with you, get it together, you're being dramatic, you're being stupid, you're seeking out attention, just grit your teeth and get over it, etc. I felt outta place talking with people who pin pointed my problems within ten minutes of conversation and felt like they're staring directly into my soul. And now I feel...broken. Broken because the term associated with all of this was ''special needs''. I don't feel like I have special needs, I feel shame and fear because there's no way people will ever look at me the same way now, should they learn the whole story. 

I guess you know I should have figured out sooner that ''normal'' people don't need a whole god damn script to get involved in conversations, or want to scream bloody murder when forced into small talk. I suppose people don't really see people who make them eat fruit as mortal enemies? Or god forbid mixed up food is normal? I guess not feeling any pain, and hating light, or the sound drapes and forks make are also not traits of ''normal people''. I guess people CAN actually tune out, and are not bothered when there's loud conversations around them. Or can nod along and smile without wanting to strangle a person when being asked the standard ''kinder, kuche, kirche'' questions. I guess it's not really normal to struggle THAT much with information intake on things you really couldn't care less about. And I guess yes noticing details in every little thing IS weird. 

I guess it's also the honesty? People don't like it? I mean I never considered that I'm being rude when telling people the truth? I never understood the hell of the question ''how are you?'' you're supposed to be polite, say ''good, thank you, how are you?'' uhm. No? I'm not good, so why should I lie? I learned to play pretend, to try and be as ''normal'' as possible without even realising, how much energy that's draining from me. 

So here's the deal, what's all the drama about? I was diagnosed with autism. It shouldn't be as much of a surprise as I said, it should be more of an ''aha'' moment. Nothing should change except the fact that I now understand, and can maybe set boundaries, and live a bit easier with some form of understanding, from the world around me that really isn't designed for people like me, right? But then tell me why the hell do I feel like the world had stopped spinning? I mean I felt that way often with things that maybe the rest of the citizens of this planet don't see as world shattering as I do. But this...this kinda does feel that way. I suppose I need time to understand myself better, life, the world? I don't even know. Maybe now that I know, things will start getting easier.

Moja mala bela laž.

Ujet v telesu brez robov, tud’ če bi hotu ne bi znal,

končat te najine zgodbe, brez besed iz tvojih ust.

In če to zadnja je pomlad, in to zadnji je zaklad,

Še enkrat žarek konca naj obsije mojo svetlo stran.

To je nov izgovor, moja mala bela laž.

To je nov izgovor, začetek konca, slep od sonca.

To je nov izgovor, moja mala bela laž.

To je nov izgovor, dej mi pot iz tega v’n pokaž.

Hodu slepo po poteh, mim tebe,

zgubu sem vse, ko vrata hotu sem zapret,

ostal sem sam ujet.

Lahko bi si rešila svet, in rožo gledala cvetet.

V filmu, če bi bla romantika, bi skupaj šla umret.

To je nov izgovor, moja mala bela laž.

To je nov izgovor, začetek konca, slep od sonca.

To je nov izgovor, moja mala bela laž.

To je nov izgovor, dej mi pot iz tega v’n pokaž.

Glavno, da midva sma skup.

Ko naslednjič se vstanem, vem da bo konec sveta.

Če še zadnjič ujamem tvoj smeh boma srečna šla.

Neom niti pomislo, kaj se bo zgodilo, pač bo. 

Za vse kaj bom zamudo, mi bo vseeno blo.

Še zadnjič bom srečn, predno me bo,

razneslo v atome, odneslo v nebo,

že more tak bit, ker folk je res glup,

glavno, da midva sma skup..

Ko naslednjič vstanem, vem da bo konec sveta.

Končno zrušene meje, nikjer več nobenga boga.

Samo midva v parku, objeta, prestrašena,

bova čakala konec, pa ne veva kako se konča. 

From the river to the sea.

You know I started and deleted this post ten times by now? Writing has become somewhat of a challenge lately. Maybe my scrambled mind just doesn't allow me to put things ''on paper'' no more. I don't know. Maybe it's the lack of motivation, what's the point in writing, when all you're really doing is just screaming at the skies? It's not like people are listening. It's not like people care. Maybe it's just that promise I made myself more than anyone, back in 2015 when I closed my old blog and opened up this one, that it's going to be a safe and positive space. I mean it is safe, but lets face it, it sure as fuck aint positive. I was going to share my art, love for music, photography, travel...I can't explain when did that go sideways, sometimes I just feel like all happiness has left the planet. You know that line in that book? 

''Hollowness: that I understand. I’m starting to believe that there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. That’s what I’ve taken from the therapy sessions: the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps.''

— Paula Hawkins, The Girl on the Train

Maybe, I'm also starting to realise that some holes will just never disappear. Maybe I've realised I'm broken and some things just can not be mended. Maybe that explains the empty, hollow, numbness that never really goes away. Or maybe, just maybe the issue is not me at all. Maybe it's the world, the world that I fail to understand, much less the people in it. Much less the world leaders that I never wanted, never voted and have all lost every bit of sanity, assuming they ever possesed any. 

You know what this is about right? I tried hard to keep the topic off my blog and rather on twitter and tumblr but I can't keep quiet no more, I'm still shouting at the void but getting things off my chest might at least make me feel better. This is a post about the war. Between Israel and Palestine, so firstly if the topic makes you uncomfortable, please remove yourself, and secondly, can I just start with how badly it irritates me that we're calling this a ''war''? How is this a war when you got one of the worlds strongest armies against people, mostly children, with rocks? How is this war? This my dear friends is nothing BUT genocide. I don't even know where to begin my outrage, my anger, my disgust towards the western world, which is watching, supporting the agressor, clapping on when bombs are dropped on children...I don't even know how do you put this in words? How?

I'd love to ask the western people why they're so unbothered by the deaths of people with darker skin, different religion, different culture. But lets face it, we all know why, we all know what was meant when reporters in Ukraine were saying ''this doesn't happen to PEOPLE LIKE US''. We know why the media portrays the Middle east as war torn, conficted area, ''underdeveloped'' and it's people as thieves and terrorists. We all know why right? We knew that when US felt the need to invade Lebanon and Iraq based on some bogus accusations and kill its people in the name of ''preservation'' or whateve else bullshit was the reason. In the eyes of the West, war and death are not only reserved for a specific type of people but also expected. How does that not make you sick to your stomach?

How can you sit there and listen to ''this is a war against terrorists'' no. This is Israel propaganda. They want you to believe that in the 75 years of their relentless torment on the citizens of Palestine, the only people killed were Hamas. NO. All they're doing is desperately trying to dehumanize them. Dehumanize people that are just like you and me, people with dreams, goals, love and life. The people. The INNOCENT people of Palestine out of which more than half are children. 

How did the world just together decided that Putin is a war criminal, put sanction upon sanction on Russia (we see how effective that is right?) but nobody, NOBODY is doing the same for Netanyahu and Israel? How is this real world? How do I live in this world? The man is bombing hospitals, schools, refugee centers, refugee convoys, he is commiting genocide in the eyes of the world in the name of ''clearing the world of terrorism''. He's throwing white phosphorus bombs, which alone is unlawful. How are we turning a blind eye? How are we just looking away? What the fuck is the matter with us?

Are you aware that Palestinian workers released from Isreali detention wore anklets with numbers assigned to them? Not names. Numbers. Does that sound familiar? I don't even know how to unpack this, I don't even know how to comment, what to say. I guess they really took a page out of history books...

Do you understand the type of world you live in? The world in which politicians will say ''the killing of civilians is never acceptable and that is why we stand with Israel while it drops apartment buildings on people''. The type of world in which babies are not issued birth certificates but they're issued death certificates. How are you not seething with anger? How can you scroll twitter, watch parting words from students, reporters, talking about how they wanna be remembered should they die, how are you just moving on with your lives? How are you blind? How are you not angry with the billions being thrown into Ukraine, while we're letting the people of Palestine starve and die? How are you not angry that there was an international search of the entire god damn ocean, for five dumb rich fucks on that Titanic sub, but the 2 million people in Gaza get 20 trucks, and ignored pleas for a ceasefire? 

How can you sit there and tell me that this is alright because ''hostages'', because ''Hamas'', because when they bomb the hospital they're only doing it because of the ''terrorists'' hiding underground. Tell me, if there's an active school shooter hiding somewhere in the school? Is it okay to bomb the school then? Just asking. For a friend. Do you understand there are videos out there, with people holding dead children, pleading for the end of the genocide? Do you understand mothers in Gaza instead of kissing their children good night have to write their names on their arms and legs, in case they get bombed in the middle od the night? 

How are people blind? How are they screaming that every Muslim is a terrorist because that's what they heard on the tv? Are you aware that no religion, absolutely none would support murder and genocide? I have Muslim friends and family friends and neighbors, and you know what? They're the nicest people I know, they'll be the first to be your friend, the first to offer you help should you need it. They're the ones that listen and care and actually say hello to you when they meet you outside. Seems like basic manners right? Well they're too much to ask from from my non Muslim neighbors who judge, ignore, gossip, glare and cause trouble out of what seems to be pure boredom. The next time you hear Muslim religion is violent or the religion of terrorism, I want you to think about Motaz Azaiza he is a Palestinian journalist, who likes to cradle and console babies in between helping people pull their family members out of the rubble. Just a few days ago I read that on the way to reporting one of the latest war crimes, he discovered 15 of his family members were killed. By the way, he's got 13 million people following him on Instagram, why is he not an influencer? Why is the world consuming bullshit like the Kardashians and Taylor Swift (the fuck is up with her lately? The phenomena? I don't get it at all) but he's ignored? 

Next time someone tries to talk shit about Muslim men, I want you to think about the men dressed as Mickey Mouse walking around Gaza and trying their damn hardest to put smiles on childrens faces. I want you to think for a moment how doctors and nurses were praised, deemed as heroes during Covid, they were doing flash mobs, people all but worshiped them, where's the praise for Palestinian doctors and nurses? The true heros who preform surgeries and other medical procedures 24/7, with limited supplies and possibly in the dark, and yet still take the time to comfort their patients and try to console them through the disasters and losses they're going through. Who's the real hero here?

It is so easy to turn a blind eye to genocide when you dehumanize people, when you decide they're this or they're that. It's so easy when you see part of the world as uncultured, and as savages and terrorists while the other side deserves the all the ''glory''. 

I just I have no words. None left. No thoughts. No...All I can tell you is fuck your western double standards, fuck your support for Israel and just generally fuck you. That's that. 

Dobrodošli v raju.

Zvečer je spet lepo, ko zvezde sijejo in se ob meni stisneš bolj in bolj močno. Verjemi vse se da, ko imava naju dva, ma briga me za vse, letiva nekam tja.

Tam kjer sonce pade v morje, kjer se vidi vse vesolje, in luna sije le za naju, tam piše dobrodošli v raju.

 Nikon D7200 + Nikkor 18-140 

Kad nemam tebe, sa mnom su moji demoni, kad nemam tebe. Kad nemam tebe, sa mnom se igraju oni, kad nemam tebe.

I literally can't, CAN NOT believe that I have to start this post, with another rough week. Well rough couple of days but same thing. And all that after vacation, which was amazing. You know I keep telling you Slovenia is a beautiful country. And it is. The mountains, the woods, the sea, all the green landscapes. Joker Out. Lol. Everything is absolutely stunning (as Henry Cavill said). But the flaws are also stunning in another way. In a bad way. Like I love people at the seaside, they're nice and kind, they do things with a smile on their faces, even  when things are hard. They don't know how to be rude, really. And I find that fascinating. No matter how much people may annoy them, they will still find a way to smile about it. Must be something in that oceanic air, and pretty views, and just generally good vibe you get there. 

I keep saying ''you only get what you give'' and that's so true. You can't be in a bad mood at the sea side. Impossible. You know me, I aint no sunshine at 7 in the morning, I think we all established that to be true. But would you look at that, a little change of environment and suddenly it's not tough to get up earlier, and people tell you you're delightful, and nice and kind, and all that before your first cup of coffee. No, I'm not joking. I can only think that I'm a bitch back home because I get up in a gloomy atomsphere, in a town I hate, in a house I hate. Surrounded by people that give me nothing but negativity, purely because I am not like them. I wonder daily what's wrong with me, why can't I fit in? Why can't I just belong somewhere? Why am I so strange? Why can't I be ''normal''? Why can't I see things like other people do? Why can't I just smile and move on at things like screaming spoiled kids, and chocolate bunnies, and not get annoyed when people tell me ''good morning''? Side note for the love of god just say ''morning'' it's never good after all. Why can't I just participate in small talk? Why can't I silence my brain sometimes? Why do I gotta over think or just think at all? You know at the sea  side all these things shut up? All these thoughts melt away? And it's not because you're on vacation, it's because of the feedback in the environment. It's because you  feed off what you get, it's because people are nice, because they are not stand offish, because they don't judge and look at you like you murdered and strung up their pets. I don't know…something is profoundly wrong with everyone around me. Not me. Because once you take me out of this place, I'm completely normal. Or as close to it as possible. And it hurts me phisically that that life is completely out of reach to me. It hurts me phisically that I can't fix certain things, that they'll always be wrong. Life is fucking unfair, but who am I telling, I'm sure everyone of you reading this right now, have your own stories of how life is unfair. 

In two weeks nobody gave me a sideways glance, nobody looked at me funny, nobody was snappy, rude, mean, judgemental. Nobody even had a frown on their face. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. And to put it in perspective, just coming home, first thing that happened a taxi driver in the morning when I'm carrying three heavy boxes, obviously too heavy and too big for me, barks at me if it even makes sense to call a cab for 3 km which I could easily walk. Walk? With three boxes when I couldn't even lift one on my own? What's it to him? Even if I call him for 500 meters, I'm paying, that's what they do right? Drive people from spot A to spot B? Then he tells me that he'll charge me 3 eur extra per box, so lets see 14 euros for 3 km ride? Are you insane? Am I in fucking Paris? Watafak. That's not even all, he was snappy, rude, had a smirk on his face that I wish I could smack off and he tells me when paying ''oh sorry I don't have change'' so basically he forced me to tip his crappy service. Let me point out that I for once in a very millenial fashion went to ''yelp about it'', only I wrote a Facebook review, calm, collected, no swearing, just pointing out what happened and that I thank them for their services, which I won't be using ever again. Imagine that some asshole, mansplaining (which makes me so angry I could stab a fork in his thigh), comments ''I don't know which taxi service you were using but it wasn't ours, have a nice day''. Bitch are you kidding me? So what now, I'm a woman and too stupid to read the fucking sign, plastered over the entire car door? I know it's useless to get upset, but just it was a nice shock and a nice reality check of ''oh you really must be home''. 

''You can't get better in an environment that's making you sick'' is also so true because jesus fuck things at home aint no better. Like why can't we talk like normal people? Why does every conversation turn into world war three? Why asking a normal question feels like an attack? Why why why? Why can't I just say what's bothering me without being yelled at? Without accusations, without being told I'm the issue, and stupid, and won't amount to anything and it's all my fault, my life is all my fault because all the fucking trauma and sickness I got I clearly caused myself. Because I am not normal, because I don't want ''normal'' things, because my world is different than theirs, because I just care about different things. I am not normal. I need a head exam. Sure. Okay. I had never in my life felt this misunderstood and misheard and just…idk walked on, stepped on, worthless…you know…meh it's useless, another one of those, can't be changed things, just makes you wish you could sometimes disappear. Drive off a cliff. Or dive into the deepest ocean. It really was a nice reality check of how different home and ''not home'' yet still home are. Same country, same language, same people but somehow completely different. 

Ugh I don't know how this happened, I wanted to talk about vacation and suddenly I'm on page two sob fest. I'm sorry. The air back home clearly doesn't agree with me. Not emotionally and not physically. Don't even get me started on how all my allergies flared up or the monstrous headache I'm battling right now. La vita e bella aye? 

It felt good being back in Koper, not just the people and the vibe and the sea, generally it felt like coming home, not the other way around when I did come home, going there felt like home. Seeing the people I missed, the narrow streets, the salty air, the most perfect sunsets, my favourite bar that still looks like someone's living room and plays the best music ever. If that ever goes for sale I'm selling my kidneys and firstborn to buy it. Just saying. It was so calming to sit in the filthy industrial port, watching the huge cargo ships, when it gets dark and they turn on all the lights, and actually look kinda beautiful. It was so comforting listening to the cranes loading and unloading huge shipping containers, at all hours of the day and night. I can't explain it but it gives me a strange sense of calmness and peace. Just like watching the water does, something about sitting on a pier, legs in the water watching all the sea life and the sea itself, so infinite, so deep…I wish people were as deep, I wish love was infinite, I wish life was different. I love watching the ocean, letting it calm me down, thinking about what secrets it hides. I love swimming, there's nothing but you and the water, and you can just float, wishing you'd float away. To be honest I feel more like I'm drowning on land than I do in the water. 

I even love all the stupid tourist oriented crap in Portorose. The dumb hotel complexes and casinos, the fancy Palace, the sandy beach (it's kinda the best really), the basically ruined coast line with said complexes (Bernardin is one of those areas), sea food restaurants, ice cream places (yes, literally). And I love the mean seagulls which come after your stuff you leave at the beach, and occassionally steal it. 

I love stupid crowded Trieste (obviously since it's Italy), I love it's crowded filthy ports and streets. I even loved getting completely drenched in the biggest rain shower I've ever seen. I love the small shady pizza place that makes the best pizza you've ever eaten. I love their Aperol only they make right, I love the fact that they have weddings on Piazza unita in the middle of the week and everyone is welcome to party with the happy couple. I even love their annoying talking 24/7. I guess I love everything as long as it's not ''home''. I loved the market, supposedly ''farmers market'' but fancy, closed, it's called ''Eataly'' how brilliant is that? Expensive, fancy but kinda perfect. 

Another thing I checked off my list this year was the wine fountain. I keep babbling about the beer fountain but it would appear we also have a wine one. Guys. GUYS! It's kinda perfect. The sea side region also has the best wine in Europe. NO. Do not start a war with me and do not start with ''but the French or Italian'' no. It's amazing. And the fact you also get to keep the wine glass is kinda perfect. So I can now drown my sorrows in wine in a fancy glass not a mug saying ''I'm not fat I'm fabulous''. Yes I know. Shut up. Wine in a mug. Tradgedy. 

And another very important thing. I finally FINALLY after years made it to Postojna. Where my fellow Witcher fans at? Y'all will know what's significant in Postojna. A certain castle? Let me tell you I freaked out. Literally freaked out, just on the way there. Lucky I was surrounded by tourists so they didn't even know what I keep on babbling about but it was all Henry this Henry that I admit. Like listen, let a fangirl fangirl in peace. Did I amuse a couple of German tourists watching me roll in the grass where Henry stood? Yes. Was I looking for a forensic team to find me a loose hair or something? Absolutely not. Can we put the Witcher aside for a second. Hard to do but lets try. The castle is amazing. Majestic. Build in a wall, a cave, the biggest castle in a cave on the planet, has a Guinness record for it. Just I have no idea how they even build that so many years ago (13th century). Exploring it is amazing, there's many replicas and some authentic things in it's rooms, to give you a rough idea how life looked like. Some narrow passages and stairs are really hard to climb but still, well worth the stupid over priced ticket. Lets get back to the Witcher though, you guys, I rolled in the grass where Henry stood. Y'all processed that yet? Because I didn't. And I touched the walls he touched. His literal DNA might have been on my hands, and a couple hundred other strangers but still! We went to get lunch at the restaurant overlooking the castle, fantastic food btw, but like, imagine that he might very well be eating there too! I'm screaming at the thought alone. We had time and also went to see a museum of the area it was so fun! Interactive, about exploring the caves and the region and it's animals. I got stamps on my arms for correct answers. Lol. Basically I'm a kid on the inside yes, and sometimes on the outside too. 

Y'all know the tiny Pirano, the city build on the salt is my absolutely favourite thing on the planet right? Tha really tiny streets, the charm, the laundry hanging above your head, smell of nonas cooking, the sound of waves crashing the shore which you can hear anywhere you are. God it's beautiful, it has a heartbeat of it's own, a life of it's own. You should consider yourself lucky to get to experience it, at least once. I went back to the aquarium too, it's small, it's cute, I know it by heart now, but they had financial issues years back so I was like, you know what buying a ticket is the least I can do so…it's always fun watching the animals. They're the species that live in our Adriatic ocean, I talked to a biologist too about the structure of the animal life changing, the planet heating up means new species in our ocean. Tropical ones that pose a huge issue to our own fish. Everything is changing isn't it? Not to the better of course. Everything is more than not falling apart. A fun thing? I met a ''dry shark'' at the aquarium. They have a new member who is trust me more interesting than all the fish combined. 

The most shocking thing might follow now though. I made friends. Actual human friends. Not dogs. Not cats. Well plenty of those. But I honestly mean humans. Me. Like I said people are different. They actually, honestly like me. They wanted to get to know me, they wanted to talk, and it was no stupid small talk. It was straight to important questions and deep topic, and the never ending space. You know what I mean? It was kinda amazing. It felt like for the first time in a long time I talked to actual adults. At home everyone just feels like children with zero attention span that stops at hair and nailpolish or ''what the hell do you mean with I don't want kids''. Actual living breathing people, not imaginary, that said they're so sad I'm leaving, to stay in touch, to catch up when I'm around. It's hard to understand. Here at home I could post 50 ads that I'm looking for normal people to be friends with and it would probably end in an insane asylum or as a skin suit. But like, you know me, you know I can't get outta my skin, so the best friend I've met? His name is Pik, you pronounce it as ''pick''. His owner was a boy about 15 or so, super sweet, great to talk to, made me realise I miss smart and witty and inteligent kids. Kids who care about other things too, not just shallow stupidity of reality shows, or whatever the hell else is currently popular. He literally just gave me the dog, and came back each night so I could play with the dog. He made me feel very Vito Corleone with wine and a cat, except that well Pik is a dog. I returned to the hotel and cried in the bathroom for 10 minutes that first night, because kindness of strangers is just unknown to me. So Mai if you're ever reading this by some miracle, thank you, you made my life so much better, by simply showing me that good people still exist, even here. 

I might as well stop the rant here, it may only get darker because the weather outside is only reflecting my mood on the inside. Dark, gloomy, cold, raining. I honestly feel like all the happiness has left this planet. Is this a dopamine crash? Depression? Idk. I feel like I'm drowning and the sea is nowhere near me. Choking. Chest hurts. Maybe my heart hurts. I don't know. Sometimes it feels like everything is wrong in here. Oh, hah that's a lyric aint it? ''Sometimes it feels like everything is wrong in here, but there's still tomorrow, forget the sorrow, when I can be on the last train home''. The irony. It leaves at 2 am. To Koper. Jesus how I wish I could. Home. I learned lately what's missing. Home is not a place. Home is where you feel at home. Home is where the people you love are. Home is where you're happy. Fuck it now I'm crying again. Jesus this is a hobby at this point aint it? 

I don't know what's up with me. Must be that reality check I keep talking about, how the honesty and truth and coming back to reality hurts. When you crash you crash hard. It must be that. I guess it will pass. Or I guess I just shouldn't leave this town no more, because coming home…it looks like there aint nothing worse, but hey at least the insight into myself was good. At least I realised it's not all me. At least I learned that most of my mistakes, most of my flaws, behavior, moods, that aint me. it's this place. It's dark, it's oppressive, it's depressive, and I hate it more and more daily. I just wish I at least know what to do, I don't plan on saving the planet, this place, the world, I just need to create my own world inside this place that I hate. Maybe then I can find a smidge of happiness too. Suggestions welcome, judgment not so much, I get plenty of that at home, thanks. Now excuse me while I go find my Russian flask for a sip of whatever strong shit is inside it, might ease my pain. Yes I know alcohol aint the solution but the world is going to hell in a handbasket anyways. Cheers guys. 

P.S. Enjoy some beach drawings…I had fun making them, more fun than drawing anything else in a while…also, and this makes me insanely happy, the bar? The ''someone's living room I'd pawn my entire life to buy''? The lighthouse now hangs in that bar. It's like…a piece of me is now there too, and that's kinda amazing.