''Ko padeš, pridejo oni...''
Anyone else celebrating the end of the holidays tomorrow instead of New years? No? Just me? Okay then...I can't tell you in words how estatic I am that December is ending. I never liked it and grew to hate it even more lately. I guess I'll just never understand it, the hysteria, the forced happiness, the fake smiles, the pretending everything is fucking fantastic, the ''happy families'' that are only happy on Instagram, or the herd mentality of people. January second still happens, and reality still hits you. I don't know. I don't get it.
I'm not going to write a 2023 write up, lets face it mentally I am still stuck in 2019. I can't honestly process we're stepping into 2024 tomorrow. How did that happen? When did it happen?! Wild. 2023 was...well interesting. A lot of bad things, a lot of new things but also a lot of good things. New friends, new love, new life in a way. I got conclussions to things I always wondered about, I got some answers to some unanswered questions. I learned to understand things about myself that made no sense. Maybe I don't know how to love myself yet but lets call it tolerating for now huh? It's a start. It sure as hell is better than all my past summaries of nothing but devastation and sadness. This year is better. Brighter. And things were completely fucked up don't think they weren't, but maybe I reached a point where I know how to cope with it better. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't have to cope alone. Who knows.
Maybe new understandings also bring new...ideas? Tactics? Choices? Like this one, ''smile more, your enemies absolutely hate it''. I should. Nothing pisses off people more, than seeing you're doing good without them. Maybe I also should learn how ''not every action needs a reaction''. Some people, well most people, don't deserve neither me wasting my time on them, nor my forgivness, and even less my affection. I need to do better in this area. Love those who deserve it, fucking forget those that already forgot about you. People that want to be in your life will make an effort, not make excuses. I know that now.
I learned that not everything needs an ending too. Like, I have a hard time with lose ends, with things that don't have a conclussion, which is funny because I have a chronical problem of never finishing anything. But some things will never get that ending I'm craving, some things will never be answered, some things will never make sense, and that's okay, because it's really not on me to fix them. I need to do better in the fantastic art of not giving a fuck and moving on. I learned to be less afraid, because at this point what the fuck else can happen to rattle me? Not much right? I mean I've been through hell and back already, what do I have to fear? Maybe you guys should, if I look into the fire and smile, it's time to run.
A lot changes when you realise there's really only three types of people on this planet. People who help you through difficult times, people who leave you in difficult times, and people who put you in difficult times. I guess this realisation is what made me cold. Shut down. People don't need to know things about you, sharing things should be reserved to those close to you only, and that circle my friends is closing in on itself daily. The only difference now is that I don't care. If you walk out of my life, I never again plan on chasing you, and you know why? Because in reality, people don't deserve second chances, because they never change. They make you believe they do....but really...nah.
I've been told by a lot of people that I changed. People that haven't seen me in a while. Maybe. But really no. Things that happened to me, changed me. They make it sound like a bad thing, I mean yeah a lot is not to the good, but a lot is. I am no longer letting people get away with their bullshit. I am never again letting anyone walk all over me, I am never again settling for anything less, than what I deserve. I know how to sit back, be quiet and observe, I know how people only care when they have some sorta use from you. And I know who deserves to stay in my life and who should be long gone.
I am not making any new years resolutions by the way, I find it hilarious how people are so motivated for all these idiotic things they come up with, and lose all will power to do them by the end of January. Get skinny? Stop drinking? Stop smoking? Do this, do that. Blah blah blah. I'm just gonna sit back and be grateful for the good things in the past year tbh. I am grateful for the little progress in the artistic department, I'm grateful for every nice comment I get and for everyone clicking like on my work. That means the world to me. I am grateful for the live music. Never again taking that for granted. After lockdowns even small hometown shows with THE WORST crowd seem like a blessing. I am grateful for the seaside and the peace it brings me, for being able to go get lost in my favorite places for a couple of days in a year. Always grateful. I am so grateful for my friends, those that are always here, always listening to my bullshit, always offer advice, and if they have none just sit and listen, and are a postitive presence in my life. I am so grateful for things in my life that are GOOD, you know actually good. So much has gone and is wrong that even the tiniest things like, putting on the perfect makeup, a fake smile, a killer outfit and showing people hell, that is something to be grateful for.
Maybe I'm not where I want to be yet, maybe things are not as they should be yet. But...that's perfectly fine. There's no hurry. There's no deadlines. I honestly believe things happen in their own pace for all of us and if we're not where we want to be yet, that doesn't mean we never will be. If we're not happy yet, it doesn't mean we never will be. It just takes a little time right? I wont sit here and pretend that 2024 is the year where finally everything falls to place. With my luck it's more likely everything falls to pieces instead, but I'm letting the options open, hey maybe everything will be in fact alright? A lot of changes are coming, a lot of new things, a lot of...a lot of a lot, some scary as hell and some kinda perfect and exciting and I plan on focusing on that. And the bad times...well take your best shot life, without the bad times we wouldn't know how to appreciate the good ones after all.
We live in dark depressing times to be honest, and I wonder everyday, where the fuck are we headed, and what the fuck are we even doing. With all this darkness all around, if we can bring a bit more light then we absolutely should. And that's really all I wish you guys in the new year. Love, light, laughter, peace, happiness. That's what life is all about after all.
Happy New year guys!
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