I literally can't, CAN NOT believe that I have to start this post, with another rough week. Well rough couple of days but same thing. And all that after vacation, which was amazing. You know I keep telling you Slovenia is a beautiful country. And it is. The mountains, the woods, the sea, all the green landscapes. Joker Out. Lol. Everything is absolutely stunning (as Henry Cavill said). But the flaws are also stunning in another way. In a bad way. Like I love people at the seaside, they're nice and kind, they do things with a smile on their faces, even when things are hard. They don't know how to be rude, really. And I find that fascinating. No matter how much people may annoy them, they will still find a way to smile about it. Must be something in that oceanic air, and pretty views, and just generally good vibe you get there.
I keep saying ''you only get what you give'' and that's so true. You can't be in a bad mood at the sea side. Impossible. You know me, I aint no sunshine at 7 in the morning, I think we all established that to be true. But would you look at that, a little change of environment and suddenly it's not tough to get up earlier, and people tell you you're delightful, and nice and kind, and all that before your first cup of coffee. No, I'm not joking. I can only think that I'm a bitch back home because I get up in a gloomy atomsphere, in a town I hate, in a house I hate. Surrounded by people that give me nothing but negativity, purely because I am not like them. I wonder daily what's wrong with me, why can't I fit in? Why can't I just belong somewhere? Why am I so strange? Why can't I be ''normal''? Why can't I see things like other people do? Why can't I just smile and move on at things like screaming spoiled kids, and chocolate bunnies, and not get annoyed when people tell me ''good morning''? Side note for the love of god just say ''morning'' it's never good after all. Why can't I just participate in small talk? Why can't I silence my brain sometimes? Why do I gotta over think or just think at all? You know at the sea side all these things shut up? All these thoughts melt away? And it's not because you're on vacation, it's because of the feedback in the environment. It's because you feed off what you get, it's because people are nice, because they are not stand offish, because they don't judge and look at you like you murdered and strung up their pets. I don't know…something is profoundly wrong with everyone around me. Not me. Because once you take me out of this place, I'm completely normal. Or as close to it as possible. And it hurts me phisically that that life is completely out of reach to me. It hurts me phisically that I can't fix certain things, that they'll always be wrong. Life is fucking unfair, but who am I telling, I'm sure everyone of you reading this right now, have your own stories of how life is unfair.
In two weeks nobody gave me a sideways glance, nobody looked at me funny, nobody was snappy, rude, mean, judgemental. Nobody even had a frown on their face. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. And to put it in perspective, just coming home, first thing that happened a taxi driver in the morning when I'm carrying three heavy boxes, obviously too heavy and too big for me, barks at me if it even makes sense to call a cab for 3 km which I could easily walk. Walk? With three boxes when I couldn't even lift one on my own? What's it to him? Even if I call him for 500 meters, I'm paying, that's what they do right? Drive people from spot A to spot B? Then he tells me that he'll charge me 3 eur extra per box, so lets see 14 euros for 3 km ride? Are you insane? Am I in fucking Paris? Watafak. That's not even all, he was snappy, rude, had a smirk on his face that I wish I could smack off and he tells me when paying ''oh sorry I don't have change'' so basically he forced me to tip his crappy service. Let me point out that I for once in a very millenial fashion went to ''yelp about it'', only I wrote a Facebook review, calm, collected, no swearing, just pointing out what happened and that I thank them for their services, which I won't be using ever again. Imagine that some asshole, mansplaining (which makes me so angry I could stab a fork in his thigh), comments ''I don't know which taxi service you were using but it wasn't ours, have a nice day''. Bitch are you kidding me? So what now, I'm a woman and too stupid to read the fucking sign, plastered over the entire car door? I know it's useless to get upset, but just it was a nice shock and a nice reality check of ''oh you really must be home''.
''You can't get better in an environment that's making you sick'' is also so true because jesus fuck things at home aint no better. Like why can't we talk like normal people? Why does every conversation turn into world war three? Why asking a normal question feels like an attack? Why why why? Why can't I just say what's bothering me without being yelled at? Without accusations, without being told I'm the issue, and stupid, and won't amount to anything and it's all my fault, my life is all my fault because all the fucking trauma and sickness I got I clearly caused myself. Because I am not normal, because I don't want ''normal'' things, because my world is different than theirs, because I just care about different things. I am not normal. I need a head exam. Sure. Okay. I had never in my life felt this misunderstood and misheard and just…idk walked on, stepped on, worthless…you know…meh it's useless, another one of those, can't be changed things, just makes you wish you could sometimes disappear. Drive off a cliff. Or dive into the deepest ocean. It really was a nice reality check of how different home and ''not home'' yet still home are. Same country, same language, same people but somehow completely different.
Ugh I don't know how this happened, I wanted to talk about vacation and suddenly I'm on page two sob fest. I'm sorry. The air back home clearly doesn't agree with me. Not emotionally and not physically. Don't even get me started on how all my allergies flared up or the monstrous headache I'm battling right now. La vita e bella aye?
It felt good being back in Koper, not just the people and the vibe and the sea, generally it felt like coming home, not the other way around when I did come home, going there felt like home. Seeing the people I missed, the narrow streets, the salty air, the most perfect sunsets, my favourite bar that still looks like someone's living room and plays the best music ever. If that ever goes for sale I'm selling my kidneys and firstborn to buy it. Just saying. It was so calming to sit in the filthy industrial port, watching the huge cargo ships, when it gets dark and they turn on all the lights, and actually look kinda beautiful. It was so comforting listening to the cranes loading and unloading huge shipping containers, at all hours of the day and night. I can't explain it but it gives me a strange sense of calmness and peace. Just like watching the water does, something about sitting on a pier, legs in the water watching all the sea life and the sea itself, so infinite, so deep…I wish people were as deep, I wish love was infinite, I wish life was different. I love watching the ocean, letting it calm me down, thinking about what secrets it hides. I love swimming, there's nothing but you and the water, and you can just float, wishing you'd float away. To be honest I feel more like I'm drowning on land than I do in the water.
I even love all the stupid tourist oriented crap in Portorose. The dumb hotel complexes and casinos, the fancy Palace, the sandy beach (it's kinda the best really), the basically ruined coast line with said complexes (Bernardin is one of those areas), sea food restaurants, ice cream places (yes, literally). And I love the mean seagulls which come after your stuff you leave at the beach, and occassionally steal it.
I love stupid crowded Trieste (obviously since it's Italy), I love it's crowded filthy ports and streets. I even loved getting completely drenched in the biggest rain shower I've ever seen. I love the small shady pizza place that makes the best pizza you've ever eaten. I love their Aperol only they make right, I love the fact that they have weddings on Piazza unita in the middle of the week and everyone is welcome to party with the happy couple. I even love their annoying talking 24/7. I guess I love everything as long as it's not ''home''. I loved the market, supposedly ''farmers market'' but fancy, closed, it's called ''Eataly'' how brilliant is that? Expensive, fancy but kinda perfect.
Another thing I checked off my list this year was the wine fountain. I keep babbling about the beer fountain but it would appear we also have a wine one. Guys. GUYS! It's kinda perfect. The sea side region also has the best wine in Europe. NO. Do not start a war with me and do not start with ''but the French or Italian'' no. It's amazing. And the fact you also get to keep the wine glass is kinda perfect. So I can now drown my sorrows in wine in a fancy glass not a mug saying ''I'm not fat I'm fabulous''. Yes I know. Shut up. Wine in a mug. Tradgedy.
And another very important thing. I finally FINALLY after years made it to Postojna. Where my fellow Witcher fans at? Y'all will know what's significant in Postojna. A certain castle? Let me tell you I freaked out. Literally freaked out, just on the way there. Lucky I was surrounded by tourists so they didn't even know what I keep on babbling about but it was all Henry this Henry that I admit. Like listen, let a fangirl fangirl in peace. Did I amuse a couple of German tourists watching me roll in the grass where Henry stood? Yes. Was I looking for a forensic team to find me a loose hair or something? Absolutely not. Can we put the Witcher aside for a second. Hard to do but lets try. The castle is amazing. Majestic. Build in a wall, a cave, the biggest castle in a cave on the planet, has a Guinness record for it. Just I have no idea how they even build that so many years ago (13th century). Exploring it is amazing, there's many replicas and some authentic things in it's rooms, to give you a rough idea how life looked like. Some narrow passages and stairs are really hard to climb but still, well worth the stupid over priced ticket. Lets get back to the Witcher though, you guys, I rolled in the grass where Henry stood. Y'all processed that yet? Because I didn't. And I touched the walls he touched. His literal DNA might have been on my hands, and a couple hundred other strangers but still! We went to get lunch at the restaurant overlooking the castle, fantastic food btw, but like, imagine that he might very well be eating there too! I'm screaming at the thought alone. We had time and also went to see a museum of the area it was so fun! Interactive, about exploring the caves and the region and it's animals. I got stamps on my arms for correct answers. Lol. Basically I'm a kid on the inside yes, and sometimes on the outside too.
Y'all know the tiny Pirano, the city build on the salt is my absolutely favourite thing on the planet right? Tha really tiny streets, the charm, the laundry hanging above your head, smell of nonas cooking, the sound of waves crashing the shore which you can hear anywhere you are. God it's beautiful, it has a heartbeat of it's own, a life of it's own. You should consider yourself lucky to get to experience it, at least once. I went back to the aquarium too, it's small, it's cute, I know it by heart now, but they had financial issues years back so I was like, you know what buying a ticket is the least I can do so…it's always fun watching the animals. They're the species that live in our Adriatic ocean, I talked to a biologist too about the structure of the animal life changing, the planet heating up means new species in our ocean. Tropical ones that pose a huge issue to our own fish. Everything is changing isn't it? Not to the better of course. Everything is more than not falling apart. A fun thing? I met a ''dry shark'' at the aquarium. They have a new member who is trust me more interesting than all the fish combined.
The most shocking thing might follow now though. I made friends. Actual human friends. Not dogs. Not cats. Well plenty of those. But I honestly mean humans. Me. Like I said people are different. They actually, honestly like me. They wanted to get to know me, they wanted to talk, and it was no stupid small talk. It was straight to important questions and deep topic, and the never ending space. You know what I mean? It was kinda amazing. It felt like for the first time in a long time I talked to actual adults. At home everyone just feels like children with zero attention span that stops at hair and nailpolish or ''what the hell do you mean with I don't want kids''. Actual living breathing people, not imaginary, that said they're so sad I'm leaving, to stay in touch, to catch up when I'm around. It's hard to understand. Here at home I could post 50 ads that I'm looking for normal people to be friends with and it would probably end in an insane asylum or as a skin suit. But like, you know me, you know I can't get outta my skin, so the best friend I've met? His name is Pik, you pronounce it as ''pick''. His owner was a boy about 15 or so, super sweet, great to talk to, made me realise I miss smart and witty and inteligent kids. Kids who care about other things too, not just shallow stupidity of reality shows, or whatever the hell else is currently popular. He literally just gave me the dog, and came back each night so I could play with the dog. He made me feel very Vito Corleone with wine and a cat, except that well Pik is a dog. I returned to the hotel and cried in the bathroom for 10 minutes that first night, because kindness of strangers is just unknown to me. So Mai if you're ever reading this by some miracle, thank you, you made my life so much better, by simply showing me that good people still exist, even here.
I might as well stop the rant here, it may only get darker because the weather outside is only reflecting my mood on the inside. Dark, gloomy, cold, raining. I honestly feel like all the happiness has left this planet. Is this a dopamine crash? Depression? Idk. I feel like I'm drowning and the sea is nowhere near me. Choking. Chest hurts. Maybe my heart hurts. I don't know. Sometimes it feels like everything is wrong in here. Oh, hah that's a lyric aint it? ''Sometimes it feels like everything is wrong in here, but there's still tomorrow, forget the sorrow, when I can be on the last train home''. The irony. It leaves at 2 am. To Koper. Jesus how I wish I could. Home. I learned lately what's missing. Home is not a place. Home is where you feel at home. Home is where the people you love are. Home is where you're happy. Fuck it now I'm crying again. Jesus this is a hobby at this point aint it?
I don't know what's up with me. Must be that reality check I keep talking about, how the honesty and truth and coming back to reality hurts. When you crash you crash hard. It must be that. I guess it will pass. Or I guess I just shouldn't leave this town no more, because coming home…it looks like there aint nothing worse, but hey at least the insight into myself was good. At least I realised it's not all me. At least I learned that most of my mistakes, most of my flaws, behavior, moods, that aint me. it's this place. It's dark, it's oppressive, it's depressive, and I hate it more and more daily. I just wish I at least know what to do, I don't plan on saving the planet, this place, the world, I just need to create my own world inside this place that I hate. Maybe then I can find a smidge of happiness too. Suggestions welcome, judgment not so much, I get plenty of that at home, thanks. Now excuse me while I go find my Russian flask for a sip of whatever strong shit is inside it, might ease my pain. Yes I know alcohol aint the solution but the world is going to hell in a handbasket anyways. Cheers guys.
P.S. Enjoy some beach drawings…I had fun making them, more fun than drawing anything else in a while…also, and this makes me insanely happy, the bar? The ''someone's living room I'd pawn my entire life to buy''? The lighthouse now hangs in that bar. It's like…a piece of me is now there too, and that's kinda amazing.
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