There was really no way of knowing but look at us, baby, we're still going.

January 1st 2013

She woke up late morning after a crazy night. New years parties were always crazy in her world. The memories of last night flodded her mind despite the alcohol that probably still lingered in her veins. Smiling brightly she looked to her left, he contently slept next to her. The grin got bigger as she got up and walked to the bathroom, brushing the whiskey from her lips and glitter our of her hair then pulled on a pair of skinny jeans, her favorite cropped Guns n' roses shirt and studded boots, doing her makeup took her a while, her face kept splitting into a grin she couldn't hold back.

Walking out of the bathroom she saw him still sound asleep. Rolling her eyes she sat on the edge of the bed pressing a soft kiss on his lips to wake him up but found herself suddenly shifted and under him. Squeeling in surprise the squeek turned into giggles. He laughed. ''No! Don't! No! My makeup!'' She protested but still laughed with him as he pressed random kisses all over her face. He moved away looking deep in her eyes, smiling softly. ''You're amazing''. He said watching that blush he'd never get tired of spread over her face.

For a moment she couldn't even process this. She woke up with the man she was madly in love with and he felt the same. What are the odds? Love never works that way. Usually you always fall for someone who will never fall for you.

''People warned me about you, you know''. A smile tug at the corner of his lips. ''Did they now?'' he asked casually, amused. She nodded slowly. ''But I don't care'' she added, laying her head on his bare chest. It felt like heaven.

Banging on the doors brought them back to reality and made them jump up. ''Y'all better stop whatever you're doing, cops are here''. Rolling his eyes he fell to his back and groaned. ''Seems like the people were right'' he said and got up to get dressed, she layed down watching him. Her eyes following his every move, his every muscle. ''Like what you see?'' he asked, ''you know I do stud'' she replied jokingly making him laugh.

When he was ready they walked out, his arm around her shoulders. She spotted the new ''sheriff'' that replaced the other one just 3 days ago sit behind the bar with two other cops playing around with his notepad. What is it with cops and their obssesive behaviour towards bikers and their clubs? ''Ah miss, I was hoping to catch you here''. He said offering her his hand, she took it, fiding out his name but not really caring about it. Offering him a charming smile she sat down, her boyfriend hoovering somewhere behind her. Boyfriend. Boy it felt good saying that. ''What's this about chief?'' She asked, thanking the bartender who offered her a cup of coffee. It was 11 am already? How did that happen?

''We're here based on an anonymous tip''. Of course they are. ''And what was it this time? Who is missing? Or dead? Or what illegal activity are we guilty of this time?''. She asked completly calm, slowly sipping her coffee as he explained. ''Well it would appear that your club has been accused of storing and selling illegal weapons'' a low chuckle left her lips. ''Would you like to check officer? Oh hey here's a wild idea, frisk me first'' she replied slowly while getting up, in jeans so tight they left nothing to imagination and spun around in front of him. He frowned. ''Sit down miss'' the cop snapped glaring at her. ''You don't seem to be too worried about these accusations'' he muttered studying her face. ''Why should I be? It's all lies anyways'' the girl hissed through her teeth, slamming the coffee cup back to it's plate a bit too roughly watching the contents swirl around.

''In my experience experienced criminals usually tend to react the way you just did''. ''What exactly are you implying chief?''she asked picking up on a change of tone in his voice. ''Nothing yet but be sure I will be keeping a close eye on your uhm...posey''. He can not be serious? ''Be my guest, I will even make it easy for you and tell you our whereabouts for the entire year.'' She said sweetly. He looked at her surprised not sure if she was messing with him or being serious.

''So I see you and him are getting real close''. He muttered, glancing back at her man staring at them barely even blinking. ''So?''. ''Was he ever abusive with you?''. Oh my god! He asked that question completly calmly making her gawk at him. This conversation went into a whole different direction. Was he insane? What the hell was that about? ''Only in bed, I like it rough''. She replied flatly, noticing the discomfort on his face, something inside her spiked with pride. ''I see, and is it serious between the two of you?''. ''I don't see how's that any of police's business'' she snapped getting up. ''It's not I suppose, I would just hate to see a sweet girl like you get pulled into the crime society that is him and his damn club''. ''You have a good day now chief''. She snapped and walked away.

She stood in the hallway watching the cops leave when she felt strong arms wrap around her waist. ''I doubt anything ever turned me on more then you sassing that cop did just now'' he said with a low growl and a hint of amusment in his voice. ''Fuck the po po'' she muttered turning around in his arms and pressing her lips on his feeling them spread in a grin in the kiss. It was in that moment they both knew that their lives together won't ever be boring or ordinary but also nothing short of amazing.

I’m stuck here wondering what I did wrong for you to leave me here, all alone.

Pet shop boys have a song ''What have I done to deserve this?'', I'm not much of a fan but I can relate to the song title. It's a question I've been asking myself...too many times in my life probably but this month? On a daily basis...

I tend to avoid any and all really personal journal type posts. It's private, not something that should be shared online. Maybe writing a blog almost nobody reads can ease my soul a little bit...

I don't know what I've done to deserve the life I live. Nevermind the past, nevermind the future that I probably don't even have. I mean the present. The present that is nothing but god awful. My 2017 wasn't great and everyone kept telling me ''don't worry, 2018 will be better, it can't always be bad'' I don't know where that shitty logic comes from, I really don't. I can't even begin with the hell 2018 is turning out to be.

Few months back I thought my biggest issue was an university exam I didn't feel prepared enough for but passed anyways. Boy was I wrong. I feel like I'm cursed. Everything wrong that can happen will happen to me. It started with my car being totalled. And I had such a hard time processing that. I still can't process how everything I love is taken away from me, those of you who know me better will understand this sentence better.

But hah, I couldn't know that that was nothing comparing to what 2018 has in store for me. In a span of a month I didn't just lose my father but my entire family, who is more concerned about getting as much of his ''wealth'' as possible then my well being. Did anyone ask me how I'm doing? Did anyone care if I'm alright? Did anyone ask how I'm coping? No. I'm in the middle of this storm and all I want to do is scream and cry and hurt someone, anyone, all of them. Hurt them as much as they hurt me. At the end of the day it's not them, it's me, I'm the one who lost everything. They were always a lousy family to begin with, I never mattered in their eyes but this? This is crossing all lines.

And I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I feel so lonely and so unwanted, so cheated, so destroyed, so damaged, so unloved. I tried to convince myself that I'm okay, that I'm fine, that I don't even care. But at the end of the day all I did was bottle up all my emotions and what's going to happen when they finally blow up?

Thing is people around me keep asking me if I’m okay, and I keep saying that I’m fine, that everything is fine, and they see me breathing, living and they believe it. But the truth is that deep down I’m falling apart, I’m collapsing, I'm choking. My world is shattered, falling apart at the seams. But the ironic thing is I keep smiling. I keep pretending. I keep moving on, keep on hoping. Hoping that someday, somehow the pain stops. Doesn't look like it will but some blind, idiotic, sadistic part of me keeps on hoping.

And you know the sane part of me knows it's pointless, all of it. It's pointless losing sleep over someone that isn't losing sleep over me. It's pointless feeling heartbroken over people that were never heartbroken over me. It's pointless. All of it. So then why can't I just tell everyone to fuck off and leave it at that? Why? Am I stupid? A complete fucking idiot? What's the matter with me?

Thing is, such things will never stop hurting. And they will never get better, and I don't know why I'm clinging to some false hope. I shouldn't hope, I shouldn't think ''well maybe...'' there is no maybe, there is no silver lining, things are the way they are and as soon as I learn to understand that...the better.

Truth is, I miss my dad. I even miss our fights and how he used to drive me insane. I miss all of it. And I can't comprehend how the only people, your family, your own blood, the one that should be there by your side to help you cope is treating me the way mine is treating me.

At the end of the day I'm nothing like them, money isn't my priority, I'd give it all up in a heartbeat just to have more time with dad. I was robbed of a family to start with and now of my time with dad too. No matter how much I complained over him, he was a good man and I know he loved me, he just had a funny way of showing it, but then again so did I. We were just the same. Truth is, I am not okay at all, truth is that I don't know if I can handle all of this, truth is I don't think I'm strong enough, but the truth is also that I have no choice.

I was just wondering...how much do you think a person can take before they break down? And also what happens when a person is to broken to be fixed?

Wasted heart.

You're my flower, you're my road, that I try to stay up on, even when things ain't your wrong, yeah you stayed with me.

You don't stay for what I do, sleepless nights I drug you through, when I say the things I don't mean to, you stay there with me.

You uncovered this sound-loss soul, should have gone baby long ago, but you shined a light where it was dark, on my wasted heart.

When I flew, you hold me down, when I crashed, you were the ground, when my bones scattered all around, you stayed with me.

You uncovered this sound-loss soul, should have gone baby long ago, but you shined a light where it was dark, on this wasted heart.

My wasted heart, needed healing and you saved it for me, I've got a new start, rest your eyes in time, these days we'll see what I never could, yeah you stayed with me.

Duff McKagan - Wasted heart

Ker ti si vse kar jaz imam.

Rad bi bil tvoja senca, ko boš šla, rad bi bil odeja za oba, hočem bit blazina, ko greš spat, rad bi bil fotelj, ko ne moreš stat.

Bil bi oblačilo, ko naga si, najbolj nežna ura, ki te zbudi, ledeni sladoled, ki ga poješ, rad bil bi samo tvoj angel, ko umreš.

Ker ti si vse, vse, kar jaz imam, danes si tu, a jutri si tam, ker ti si vse, vse kar jaz imam.

Bil bi tvoja barva v laseh, na usta ti prilepil bi nasmeh, lahko sem tudi solza, ko jočeš se, bil bi črno vino, da popiješ me.

Jaz sem hladen veter, ko ti vroče je, ko je hladno pulover, da segrejem te, kot tvoja rdeča barva na ustnicah, na tvoji roki ležal bi kot beli prah.

Ker ti si vse, vse, kar jaz imam, danes si tu, a jutri si tam, ker ti si vse, vse kar jaz imam.

DMP - TI SI VSE

Throwback.

I know I suck at this blogging thing lately. So much to do, so many things to attend, I've been too busy or too tired, which I know is a lousy excuse and I promise there will be a review on Monday, already working on that, until then, just suck it up as will I and here's a quick throwback from July 2014.

''Well then my dearest readers, looks like my ''insanity'' went a step over the ''normal'' today. Hah. I've literally spent an hour sobbing in the middle of my bed this morning. Here's the plot twist you were waiting for though. I literally broke under so many happy emotions. It's like a drug. It's like I'm addicted. Haven't felt happy for so long and now. Fuck, it's been too much. I cracked because I ordered tickets to see Of mice and men. It feels sureal, seeing my saviors live. Up on that stage, breathing the same air. I know I sound just as any other obsessed fan but it's not that. Restoring force was like a wake up call to me. It made me get off my ass and go for what I wanted. It's more then just a record and they are more then just a band. I have their framed picture next to my bed so that they are the first thing I see each morning. Austins strenght makes me stronger. He makes me wanna be a better person, he's that voice inside my head that tells me no matter how hard it is you can never give up. And if it wasn't for him and them and that record, I can honestly say I am not sure where I'd be right now. They mean the world to me and just knowing that I'll get to see them makes me cry all over again. But the story gets better. I've grown up with three favorite bands that I've been listening to for 12 almost 13 years now. And that would be Simple plan, Green day and Linkin park. As you know I've seen my babies SP twice already and those were two of the best nights of my life, I've seen Green day too and they were just perfect. But I never got the chance to see LP they were never close enough, now they're comming to Vienna, so after 7 years of waiting I'll finally see them too, and Bryan Adams, which I also waited a good 5 years for. Happiness overload. I feel like my heart is about to jump outta my chest no joke.''

Seems light years away now with Chaz gone and Of mice and men no longer in it's original line up. Sigh. I miss those days, life was...easier. Enjoy your weekend guys, I promise to be back with a proper post on Monday. Stay safe out there.

Dej zavrt čas nazaj.

 

''Vstanite klinci v suženjstvu zakleti in pljunite resnici v oči, nimate kaj zgubit saj lopovi obrali so vas že do kosti. Krediti, računi, faliranci, tajkuni in pizduni, ki pijejo nam kri. In debilni »reality show-i«, ki mečejo nam pesek v oči. Zato zbudite se in vzemite si nazaj, kar ukradel vam je vaški tolovaj.

Jst pa pravim, da ni ga dnarja, ki pravo srečo dal bi mi, ker več ko človk ma dnarja več problemu na grbo hit dobi. Ljubezen ženske, pivo in rokenrol je vse, kar v bistvu rabm jst, ker le tako lahko sem srečen na vse ostalo lohk poščije se še p(e)s. Zato takoj dam vse, kar življenje mi greni, mojo zadnjo plat poljubite lahk vsi.

Hijene, pizde, lopovi, nenasitni, brez vesti, poberite se mi s poti še ta moment. Politik levo, politik desno, nihče nas več ne jemlje resno, v rit si vtaknite še zadnji cent.''

San Di EGO - Zadnji cent

When he walks into the room, my heart goes bang bang boom.

This is going to be one of them ''last friday night'' posts. But nothing as crazy as what you're probably imagining in your heads just now, even if there was one too many shots of Jack Daniels. Or better yet I discovered a whole new love of my life ''Jack and ginger''. It's not that it's good, it's that it's amazing. Here's the deal, local concerts are pretty much as I'd imagine open free bar events. People get so drunk, it's disgusting. I'm no saint. I like alcohol too, I like the slightly buzzed feeling but I don't understand getting so drunk at events that the next morning you don't know where you were, who with, what did you watch or even your own damn name. Or worse, wake up to a coyote ugly situation.

But this post isn't going to turn into yet another story about hating people at local shows or just people in general, which is how every single post about local events starts. Like for fucks sakes at least show the musicians a little respect if you can't show it to yourself.

Alright moving on, the concert last night was a whole new experience for me. I had VIP tickets and that was something else. A different entrance then the rest of the ''mortals'', getting a ''bracelet'' that lets you walk basically everywhere in the venue from the VIP area to the first row at the stage. There's a ''red carpet'' photoshoot going on where they took pictures of you with a couple of really pretty girls. I'm not one to be into such things but I gotta say couple of cameras clicking in front of me while I stood there was pretty much amazing.

Did I mention that the drinks were free sponsored by Jack Daniels, the floors covered in soft plush carpet and the band members were walking by me all night? First time one of them that I really like walked by I was just like ''was that...?'' I hear an ''aha'' as a reply and I was done for, nearly on the ground at his feet. Musicians. Such a weakness for me. Nevermind insanely talented and blonde musicians. Damn it.

Free booze got me in trouble as per usual. I never learn it seems. No I wasn't wasted, nowhere near it, just tipsy and ballsy. Bad. Tangling with someone I like that I shouldn't. Nothing happened, but what happened was enough for me to make my head spin. Then again his smile alone makes my head spin. Either way, as much as I don't approve drinking, I just realized that I needed a night like this, Jack Daniels taking my worries away, my favorite loud music getting me in the right mood making me forget about all the bad shit in my life at the moment. I need a get away sometimes and my mind being the way it is never lets me shut down completly. Jack Daniels helps. I hate to admit it but it does. Which doesn't mean I'd start drinking on a daily basis mind you, once every couple of months at an event to relax and have a great time is just about enough for me.

The concert though, I love my boys, Šank rock, I really do. They don't get half as much credit they'd deserve. I keep saying that and I'll keep on saying it, they are all incredibly talented musicians but the guitar player alone. Jesus christ, the man could choke you while still play the guitar perfectly with one hand. I have this theory that in a guitar battle with Slash they'd be neck to neck. Yes. He is THAT good. Slash good. This was a celebration of their 35 years as a band. I still can't quite wrap my head around that, they as a band are older then I am. Hah. Or the fact that the first time I saw them I slept through their entire set. Fine, I was only a year old but still. I have a long lasting romance going on with this band. Hah. I think they're the only band next to Guns N' Roses that I actually liked as a child and all through the years up to now, when I actually like them even more.

This was in the bands hometown. Everything is different when you listen to the band in their own hometown, the crowd is different. Better somehow, they know all the words, they scream them at the top of their lungs. And I always loved that, it's my favorite moment of any concert, when the singer sings one line and then the crowd picks up the song and they sing as loud as they can. It makes all the hairs on my neck stand up, there were a couple of such moments at the show last friday night. Some of them including my favorite songs, the crowd being really loud and it was amazing. Simply amazing. Honestly nothing makes me feel as good and as alive as that does. It's better then alcohol, it's better then drugs.

There's a song they do, that I never heard live yet and the other night they played it. It was something else. The crowd was really loud on that song, the melody, the lyrics, the voice, all of it, it just fits, it's a moment that makes shivers run up and down my spine, a moment that makes me happy and warm all over. It's about getting lost in a song, in the feeling it gives you, the emotion it makes you feel. You know what they say right, if the music you listen to makes you feel nothing, you're listening to the wrong kind of music.

I was back to kinda freaking out, oh who am I kidding, I was totally losing it. My voice was slightly broken the next morning. But, honestly, what's the point of a concert if you don't sing - scream along to your favorite songs? The problem with this band is though, that ALL of their songs are my favorite. And the problem was that they played all of them too. Not that I'm complaining of course I loved every single second of it.

It's funny that I literally wrote about them few months ago and also about another one of our locals that I also love, Peter Lovšin, remember that? Last night he was with them, came on stage way pass one am, kinda after party wibe and guess what? He still blew the roof off the place even if half of the venue was basically done for at the point *alcohol is a bitch if you don't know how to control yourself* and the rest already left. I was basically the only person in the VIP howling along to each and every song. Well except that one song ''Bandiera Rossa or Avanti Popolo'' that one seems to wake everyone up. Nostalgia or something. I love the song though, because it's provocative and most people can't stand it. You know me, always into what other people hate.

Well I'm adding this gig to my long list of concerts and also to my long long LONG list of seeing these two alone. Whatcha gonna do? True love is true love. And I do love them, maybe actually even more then some of guys you see at the side of my blog *gasps*. Yeah. Shocking but...these are bands and music I grew up with, it's different.

Also, let me point out that all the bands that played before them, Mary Rose, Prelude, Radio Jam and Monsun are great and really talented musicians. Unfortunally I only got to see Mary Rose but I know the rest and they really are good.

What was my point in this post was besides glorifying my favorite boys? That sometimes getting completly lost in the music, or anything you love really, anything that makes you forget your problems, your life, something that really weighs you down, is good. Take a breather sometimes, you deserve it. Let lose, have fun. Scream your heart out at a concert, paint your heart out, dance your heart out, whatever it is that makes you happiest. My thing is music, it's my passion, it's my air that I breathe, it's my happiness and it's the freedom I miss everyday. It's my home and a getaway from home.

Alright then, time to cut off the golden VIP bracelet and get back to the real world. Do I hate it? More then I can tell but that's the way life goes. All good things must end.

While we're at it, since it's finally January 1st...nobody is happier then I am right now, finally the world can go back to normal, no more shopping apocalypses, no more disgustingly mind numbing Christmas / New year movies. No more of that hellish music, ''Last Christmas I gave you my heart''? I will rip yours out if you play the damn song one more time. But Nikki you can't play Metallica on Christmas eve, uh? Like hell I can't. Considering Christ doesn't exist it's hypocritical to think he couldn't have been a metalhead. As if that makes any difference, I'd listen to heavy metal at the opera if I could.

What I wanted to say anyway, was, Happy New Year guys, I wish you all the happiness in the world, all the love in the world, all the kindness and patience and all the success in everything you do. Take a deep breath, you've made it this far, we've all been through some type of hell in our lives, and we got through it and we'll continiue fighting. I believe in all of you, and I'm proud of all of you, for all the things you've accomplished even if they seem like a small thing to you, they may seem impossible to someone else. But still, for all our sakes I hope 2018 treats us better then 2017 did.

And to all my metalheads, rockers, musicians, music lovers, here's a piece of advice from the man himself, Billie Joe Armstrong;

"Dear young rock n rollers. Be brave. Be tough. Spit your anger. Piss people off. Don’t be normal. Don’t be trendy. Be loud. Live out loud. Cuss. Swear. Be offensive. Tell the truth. YOUR truth. Fuck authority. Spray paint the walls with your song titles. Be dirty. Smash glass. Make a statement. Don’t be a wimp. Don’t be a follower. Unhinged. We need more young rebel heroes with loud guitars."

Did I mention that I love him lately? Because I do. Either way guys, have a great time celebrating your New years, whether you're somewhere having a great time or at home having a great time by yourself. Like I am, alone with my record collection and honestly having a better time then I could of being cold and annoyed outside. Hah. Have fun and stay safe.