Since I don't have you

You know I have a serious problem of seriously crushing on Duff McKagan? Like, when he was on stage in Vienna singing Attitude I probaby died a little and came back no joke. But then again I have a serious problem with this entire band. Have you ever seen or heard a better band? The voice, the guitars, bass players face. Lord have mercy.

Have you seen that thing Duff does with his hair though? That thing! If he'd do that to me on a meet and greet I'd be done for, dead and done at his feet…this thing…

Lord have mercy. Alright since it seems that today I'm in full GN'R fan girl mode, (when am I not?) below is something I wrote a long time ago but never posted, simply because I didn't have the vinyl to go with, but now by some insane luck and amazing boyfriend I do have it and so help me god if there wasn't the fear of damaging it I'd literally sleep with it under my pillow. I did mention fangirls are crazy didn't I?

I was obsessing over this record for so long I don't even know how many hours I spent stalking it online. Something's missing now when I stopped doing that, but then I realized there's still GN'R Lies, so hey another obsession to deal with. Hah.

The most dangerous band in the world they call it. I don't know why, to me they look like a bunch of kittens and if this is about booze, drugs, sex, can't we all agree that the Crue were far worse or do we have to count how many times Sixx died? (no offence baby, I still love you). Did you ever think about how ironic the Moscow peace festival from 89' really is? (I'd kill to be there btw) A concert with the goal to help fight alcoholism and drug abuse with young people and there you've got the Crue, Nikki himself said he doesn't remember shit because he was having a withdrawal crisis, then you got Skid, Sebastian said that he was completly smashed and running from his manager that wanted to kill him. Lord knows Ozzy wasn't innocent either. And all that in Moscow in 89'? What. The. Hell.

90's were wild though, I mean GN'R took no shit in the 90's did they? I mean they dropped Use your Illusion I and II same time as Nirvana put out Nevermind, not giving a damn, millions spent for music videos, Axe being a huge diva, causing trouble and even a riot and let's not even begin with Slash vacationing at the Four Seasons with a mountain lion. A damn mountain lion! Like how do you even…what has to go through one's head, jesus christ, and where did he get it?

So The Spaghetti Incident? was released in 1993, as the bands 5th studio album. The only studio album to feature rhythm guitarist Gilby Clarke and the last album to feature Slash, Duff and Matt Sorum. I don't care much about Matt we all know that there's only one drummer *coughStevencough* fit for this gig and I will fight anyone that disagrees here. But Slash and Duff leaving that was a catastrophe.

You know what's so funny actually? That the hype around this album was huge, yet people were disappointed and back in 1993 records stores literally couldn't get rid of them and today it's considered the ''holy grail'' it goes for insane ammounts of money online. Isn't it funny how the world works?

Now I agree, this album doesn't come near Appetite or Use your Illusion, but hell I love covers and I love how these are made. Since I don't have you is totally my song, I get goose bumps all over each time it's on the radio, and I think I made it clear above just how much I fancy Duff's version of attitude.

Slash said that this record was to alleviate pressure of the Illusion albums, aparently while recording longer tunes such as Civil War and Estranged they played around by covering punk rock songs. This is just like Sweet child of mine. Did you know that the famous intro that probably everyone on this planet knows was just Slash fucking around because he was bored? That's like insane. What kind of a genuis is he? My god.

And the name! So aparently the name comes from Steve hiding his cocaine in the fridge calling it ''spaghetti'' so people wouldn't know. And when the band was sued by Steven him blaming them for his addiction (I mean the band sure didn't help him but was this really nessesary?) the judge asked Duff if he can tell them about the ''spaghetti incident''. I can just about imagine Duff starting to crack up in that judges face.

I heard a different story though, far more disgusting and that was that it was actually a bet, Between Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx as in how long can they go without showering and still get groupies to sleep with them, aparently at some point one of them got sick just smelling them and threw up on them, and what she threw up were spaghetti and that was supposed to be super funny to Axl so he named an album after it, though unlikely I got to say I laughed out loud reading that. It would so be the ''terror twins'' to do something as idiotic.

I guess you know what the real issue with this album is? An unadvertised and hidden (starting at 2:17 in "I Don't Care About You") song by Charles Manson titled ''Look at your game, girl''. It caused a storm safe to say with law-enforcement and victims-rights groups expressing outrage over the damn song. Axl said it's just a hidden bonus track and that they're not giving any credit to Manson while Slash said it was naiive and innocent black humor. Some humor if you ask me. But then again looking at Marilyn Manson who named himself after him…I mean… I think people didn't get what Axe tried to say though, he wore a shirt with Manson's face in my opinion to make a statement, everyone expected him to becasue everyone just assumed he's the bad guy and bat shit crazy when in reality he's far from it. Of course the song was removed from later pressings and the thing was put to rest. Kinda.

So many people hate this album, so many ''die hard'' fans can't stand the thought of it, but you know what I the completly obsessed die hard fan think? That it's awesome, that it shows one of their really amazing works and that it's just pure and massive punk rock tribute to other amazing bands but totally renewed and delievered in a completly new light.

You tell em' babe. To end this post I'll copy a quote by the Geffen records about it:

''So think of The Spaghetti Incident? As the equivalent of Michael Jordan playing a pickup ball game. It doesn’t count in the standings; it’s just raw talent kicking back and cutting loose. (Geffen)''

There you go, and that's all I've got to say today. Enjoy your Easter guys, spend it with people you love or like me, burried under tons of university work, trying not to stress cry every ten minutes. Hah. I hate you statistics, I hate you SO much.

P.S. I told the proffesor that us artist just don't do math like, ''do you think Michelangelo did math?'' and he brings me a book in which there were Michelangelo's sketches with actual math on them for the Sistine chappel. God damn it. This fight isn't over yet mister, you won a battle but not the war.

Wasted heart.

You're my flower, you're my road, that I try to stay up on, even when things ain't your wrong, yeah you stayed with me.

You don't stay for what I do, sleepless nights I drug you through, when I say the things I don't mean to, you stay there with me.

You uncovered this sound-loss soul, should have gone baby long ago, but you shined a light where it was dark, on my wasted heart.

When I flew, you hold me down, when I crashed, you were the ground, when my bones scattered all around, you stayed with me.

You uncovered this sound-loss soul, should have gone baby long ago, but you shined a light where it was dark, on this wasted heart.

My wasted heart, needed healing and you saved it for me, I've got a new start, rest your eyes in time, these days we'll see what I never could, yeah you stayed with me.

Duff McKagan - Wasted heart

I'll never find anyone to replace you, guess I'll have to make it through, this time, oh this time, without you.

Heal me, I'm heartsick. Drowning. Barely breathing. My mind is swimming somewhere up in the clouds, my feet are no longer on the ground. I'm restless as a storm...Maybe a little broken, maybe a little sad and lost but mostly happy. So fucking happy. And I never want this moment to end. I never want to let it go. It's addictive and it's intoxicating.

I'm sitting here staring at this blank page. Trying to pour all my love, devotion, dedication and mostly feelings into this post. It's hard to start it. It's hard to write it. It's hard to put it into words. Hard to even find words that would describe these feelings. How I feel right now? Excited? Lovesick? Heartsick? I feel like if my feet weren't planted firmly on the ground I'd just float away. If my head wasn't screwed on so tightly I'd lose it some place already. I feel like all the bad has melted away. All the ugly in the world is just...gone.

I love so much music, so many bands. I've seen so many bands, some more then once. But despite my adoration towards The Boss and Motley Crue and Skid Row and Warrant and Leppard and Bon Jovi and...ah what the hell you get the point...I think I can safely say that Guns N' Roses are a romance that's been going on my whole life. You know those baby books pregnant women have? Oh, right, is that even cool anymore? These days a child doesn't even exist unless ultrasound pictures and everything else is posted all over social media or blogs or whatever else. Listen kids, back in the day where there was no such thing as social media *holy shit am I really that old?* women kept books where they wrote in notes, glued in pictures and such. My mom used to have one, she'd write in interesting things, I learned I was a problem child since before I was born. Hah. Who knew. What I also learned though is that I had some sort of adoration towards GN'R since before I was born. And then after when I didn't sleep I'd listen to November rain which aparently always did the trick. Here we are 25 years later and the romance is as strong as it was from day one. Well actually a lot stronger.

Oh GN'R words can't actually describe how much I adore you. If you ask any of my friends they will all tell you the same things. How much their music annoys them purely because I always listen to it. How much I annoy them because all I talked about for the past ten years was a reunion and how I'd sell both my kidneys to see it happen. And how much I annoy them now with my ''unhealthy obsession'' *seriously it's dedication not an obsession* with this band. But how do you begin to describe something that makes you happy to be alive, something that awakeness your soul, makes you reach out for more, makes you bold and brave, plants a fire in your heart and calms down the storm in your mind? That's what they do. They make me feel alive and calm and happy and content and strong. It's not just a song anymore, just a band, just a tour or an album. It's so much more. And I love them so much more then just a band who's music you happen to enjoy.

Nothing is as calming as those perfect guitar riffs, bass line or that amazing voice. That voice that makes shivers run up and down my spine, skin tingle and butterflies erupt in my stomach. Nothing makes everything alright in an instant quite like Estranged does. There is nothing like those beautiful lyrics, amazing guitar riffs and Matt Sorum's *I'm so sorry Stevie* amazing tap style drumming, and that voice, so melancholic so full of emotion. That song to me is pure genius. Nothing is quite as satisfying as lying in the dark, headphones on and this song as loud as possible, completly lost in it. Lost in those emotions it gives you. Amazing.

So nobody ever told us baby how it was gonna be, so what'll happen to us baby, guess we'll have to wait and see.

When I find out all the reasons maybe I'll find another way, find another day. With all the changing seasons of my life, maybe I'll get it right next time. And now that you've been broken down, got your head out of the clouds, you're back down on the ground, and you don't talk so loud, and you don't walk so proud, any more, and what for...

Well I jumped into the river too many times to make it home, I'm out here on my own, and drifting all alone. If it doesn't show give it time, to read between the lines 'cause I see the storm is getting closer, and the waves they get so high, seems everything we've ever known's here why must it drift away and die.

I'll never find anyone to replace you guess I'll have to make it through, this time, oh this time, without you...

Pure genius. Now my undying love, adoration, admiration aside…Remember the stunt they pulled at the Troubadour last year? There were rumors for a while yes but nobody thought that it's possible. I mean Ax himself when asked if Guns N' Roses are reforming said ''Not in this lifetime'' which cleverly later became the name of the tour. Ha. Anyways that stunt at the Troubadour killed me. When I found out what happened I swear I wasn't breathing, there were tears, there was screaming, there was hyperventilating. All the works. Now if that got me completly messed up just imagine when they announced a European tour. Holy shit. I was done for. The day that tickets were supposed to go on sale I was up at 6 am, in front of my laptop, refreshing the page every minute, chewing on my nails and as soon as they were out, ordered and payed for I thought I will die on the spot. Seeing Guns N' Roses live was like going to the moon for me, you know what I mean? Something you know is possible yet it will most likely never happen. And then it did. My hands are still shaking and my mind and heart are still racing.

Vienna is one of my favorite cities on this planet as is. It's so full of art and music and life. I love it. Not to mention I saw most of my favorite bands there. But on Monday morning it was far from my favorite. The weather was a mess. I mean when you've got pouring rain, lightning strikes, thunder, hail and a tornado which is really uncommon for this part of Europe all happening a few hours before a sold out stadium show? God I wanted to scream. I felt like someone up there is punishing me. You know that feeling? Oops Nikki is happy, we best do something to fuck that up for her.

Luckily the skies seemed to calm down and there was just some light rain. They had roadies wiping down the stage after each song. Making me feel like; god! those lucky bitches, who wouldn't want to wipe that stage down for them? Their sweat is like holy water. I bet they sweat glitter or something. If I'd get the chance to do that I would wipe the shit out of that stage. Hah. Jesus Nikki focus.

Oh my god the boys are back in town baby! It's real, they're real, they're really back. And you know what I loved most? That they all seemed genuinely happy, enjoying themselves during the show. My jungle king himself, Axl Rose is in an amazing vocal form and he was all smiles and grins Monday night, making my heart go into overdrive and legs weak in the knees. Yes I know he's 55 and I am 25. No, I don't care.

Weather aside the concert was amazing. Mindblowing. Perfect. So perfect. There are hardly words to describe just how amazing they really are. Don't mind me just hyperventilating from the memory over here. It starts with two support bands, Tyler Bryant and Wolfmother, which by the way are great and when they leave there's graphics on the three huge screens, guns, roses, their logo with the name and flag of the country they're in. Every now and then the guns on the biggest screen in the middle fired with a really loud bang that mady your entire body vibrate. They know how to keep you on edge.

And then oh my god…then the Looney tunes song. You know what that means right? Oh be still my beating heart, if it wasn't about to jump out before then at that tiny short tune it had to. McBob their roadie comes on stage then, he's been their announcer for years. I only saw one other band with an announcer, that were the Stones. McBob said ''a band that needs no introduction, but gets one anyway! ". I actually thought it's going to be something along the lines of ''ladies and gentlemen the most dangerous band in the world''. Who ever came up with that, dangerous, please, they're more like fluffy, cuddly, teddy bears. I sure know I'd like to cuddle with some of them, well at least three of them. Of the current lineup that is.

When they came on stage, one by one, and that first note of It's so easy hits. My god, the breath was gone from my lungs. They were suddenly more then just pictures on my records and walls, they were real. That rush of adrenaline when you see someone you loved and admired for so long standing in front of you. It's a feeling like no other. It's so easy that went straight into Mr. Brownstone. And then Chinese democracy, Welcome to the jungle, Double talkin' jive, Better, Estranged, Live and let die *which was almost acoustic*, Rocket queen *minus the sound effects, shame*, You could be mine *if only*, Attitude, This I love, Civil war, Yesterdays, Coma, Sweet child o' mine, Used to love her, Out ta get me, Wish you were here, November rain, Black hole sun, Knocking on Heavens door, Nightrain and an encore with Patience, The Seeker and of course Paradise city, which had the most amazing fireworks I've ever seen.

You know I've been following the band for years *obviously* and there were past chances to see them, well what was left of the band anyways, it never felt right. Even if the previous few line ups had some of the fiercest and greatest players in the rock world. And now…now when at least Duff and Slash are back home where they belong it feels like…a breath of air for someone who is drowning.

And you know what is the best part of it all? Slash. His fire and passion is back and I can't describe the happiness. Maybe it's because of Richard Fortus, who let's face it is amazing *I'm so sorry Izzy* but there's just one Slash. Guitar god. He doesn't play the guitar he makes love to it. The way his fingers dance over those strings is nothing if not mesmerising. He's focused, he's energetic, he's fast, his solo's are nothing if not mindblowing. The way he played the theme song of The Godfather that slowly turned into the intro of Sweet child of mine was just….jesus take the wheel I can't take this no more kinda thing. The audience was great, they were singing along and everything but I think Sweet child was the best, obviously everyone completly lost it when that first few notes hit. I could hear that song a million times on repeat and I would still love it as much as I did the first time.

And then you've got Axe, I'm trying not to be biased though we all know he could stand on that stage and blink and I'd still think it's the best thing ever. But honest to god his piano playing was amazing, he plays a long intro, starting with Layla that slowly leads into November rain. Now this song always was and always will be one of my favorites. The lyrics, that guitar solo, the piano, the voice, the emotion in the voice. My god. I had tears pouring down my face when he sang that song. And the shower of sparks in the middle of the song with the band standing underneath…''So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way. 'cause nothin' lasts forever, even cold November rain''. A lyric that I repeat to myself when things go wrong. A lyric that keeps me stronger. A lyric which makes the world seem a bit brighter then it is. And a song that holds so much personal meaning, and memory and love.

Then you've got a moment where Ax changes his clothes or hat for about a millionth time…I wonder who does his laundry because I would totally volunteer. Like just imagine for a second ''what do you do for a living?'' ''oh you know, just making sure Axl Rose can change 10 fucking shirts on stage every night''. Must be a dream job. Right where was I? Oh of course, the one and only Mr Duff Mckagan steps up for the punk explosion of “Attitude”. And it really is explosive. I wouldn't mind some of his attitude to be honest. Duff totally killed Misfits with it. I'm sorry guys but he's just…perfect.

''Loaded like a freight train, flyin' like an aeroplane, feelin' like a space brain, one more time tonight''. Brings us to about two and a half hours of the show but come on of course they're not done yet. The encore began with an almost acoustic version of Patience which I loved because you can really hear Axl's more then amazing voice. Following Patience is also the Seeker and of course the final song Paradise city. If I used to wonder before where Paradise city is, let me tell you right now that I found mine. And they go out with a bang, Paradise city has a shit ton of pyro that is completly in tune with the music. It's amazing, that long instrumental part of the song at the end with fireworks banging in the background and the band in a cloud of smoke and the ''I wanna go, I wanna go, oh won't you please take me home. I wanna see, oh won't you please take me home. Take me down to the paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty, take me home.''.

The show just hits that 3 hour mark when the band takes one final bow on the stage. 3 hours that felt like 3 minutes if you ask me. I could stay there and listen to them for another 3 hours and it still wouldn't be enough. So yeah the tickets were expensive as hell but I promise you well worth every cent, Guns N' Roses are still the greatest hard rock band in the world, and even though impossible since stadiums don't have a roof, if it did, they'd blow that bitch right off. I watched the show with my mouth hanging open, tears streaming, broken voice from screaming and completly dazed and tingly. ''Not in this lifetime''? God I'm so happy they changed their minds.

Don't cry because it's over, be happy it happened right? My favorite band and people in the whole wide world. Let's hope this wasn't a first and last kinda thing because my heart couldn't handle it. So thank you boys for giving me the best night of my life, I won't ever forget it, I love you, I love you, I love you.

One last thing, I don't want to do this but I need a peace of mind. A quick note to the ''brains'' or should I say lack of them behind an article on an Austrian web page. Writing a review so vile it made me wish I wouldn't understand a word of German language. I mean I get it they're not your cup of tea and that's fine we can't all like the same things. But how fucking dare you?! All the talk about how they look, or better yet how awful YOU think they look. Is that an insecure little girl inside of you, making everyone else look bad so she feels good about herself? Do you listen to music with your eyes? Do looks have anything at all to do with music? If so I'm willing to bet The Stones wouldn't be one of the biggest bands out there right now. Slash can't tune a guitar right? Bitch are you kidding me? Slash could choke you with one hand while still play any one of his solo's perfectly while doing it. Ax lost his voice? Honestly fuck you, if anything Axe sounds better now then ever before. I don't know why you're so bitter, I don't know what your problem with them is but what I do know is that you're not even worthy of breathing the same air as them. That's it, I'm done, before this gets too ugly. We all know there's a lot more I'd like to tell to this ''music blogger''. In person. With fists. But it's not ladylike to behave that way now is it.

Oh what the hell. Can't end this post on negativity. So instead I'll share one last thing. My writing process is complicated. It's either a ten page post in 1 hour or a few lines over the entire week. I have to admit this post turned out to be one of the hardest I've done. Ever. It's hard enough to write down what you feel and it's even harder when there's so many feelings that you feel like you could explode. I've been writing down lines, thoughts, emotions all week, which I managed to piece together into a semi normal post. It's a little scrambled I'm aware but let it be, lord knows my mind is even more. Scrambled that is. As a bonus though, I'll keep a couple of notes I wrote during the week. They are in full on crazy fangirl mode that annoys just about everyone, but they're also lines written by a really estatic and happy version of me, that you'll most likely never see again. Fair warning; things may get messy, dirty and explicit above this line...

Ohhh my god are you kidding me? Has anyone really looked at Duff before? Like does he look at himself? Is he aware of how ridiculously hot he is? Does he even sweat like normal people? No. He sweats rainbows and glitter, so help me god he's just too damn attractive. Attitude? Can I have some of it? Preferably in an elevator where we are convinetly stuck for about 3 hours, with no power and nothing to do.

Are they even real? This did just happen? Oh my god I was just dreaming wasn't I? I'll wake up anytime now realizing I just imagined the whole thing. Disappointing really. If it's a dream I could at least get to shower with one of them after the show. Or all of them, I don't mind.

Fucking hell they're so amazing and sooooo WILD! AX'S VOICE! THAT DAMN VOICE. The man could choke me and I would thank him so help me god. ''Feel my serpentine?'' dear god in heaven what do you want? To kill me? Because I'm pretty sure you did. He's so hot, the little dance moves, THE SMILE! The thing he does at ''and you're a very sexy girl, very hard to please, you can taste the bright lights but you won't get there for free...'' send help.

SLASH, SLASH, SLASH! Guitar god omfg, playing behind your head?! As if those riffs aren't hard enough. Why are you doing this to me? Why?

Axl...something so charming about him, I don't know what it is but it's just...ahhh...can't stop staring at him. And he's so wild. And he salutes the fans, and smiles, and just...okay I'm done. Really. If I had a fucking star each time he makes me smile, I swear I'd have a whole damn sky.

Duff, Duff, Duff, Duff, he's is sexy. Like he is the hottest thing alive, I can't even. 10/10 I would so call him daddy.

November rain, I died. The best thing on this planet. That one song. Those effects, the storm on the screen and on the sky at the same time. The genius Ax on the piano. The voice. The chills. Oh my god.

I love them I love them I love them. I can't even comprehend that I actually saw them, breathed the same air as them, heard my favorite songs live that I never thought I would.

Seriously though November rain! It's the most beautiful thing on the planet what the fuck?! Happy tears. So many happy tears. Literally the best night of my life, bring on the post concert depression because it will hurt like a bitch. It already does. I already miss them. Sigh.

Words of ''wisdom'' by an older man I met at the show ''sugar, if your age is on the clock, you're too young for Roses cock''. I actually choked on water. Yep. Did he mean digital or regular clock though? Cuz actually you know it's not 24:00 it's 00:00, meaning I'm off of both clocks. Hah.

The music. Have you ever heard better music in your life? I doubt it. They are nothing if not pure perfection...

I did warn you haven't I? It's a miracle I managed to piece something normal out of this isn't it? There was more but I'd say this was enough crazy fangirl behavior for now. I promise you though most days I am not this crazy. Only sometimes. Sometimes I don't just fangirl, sometimes I do ''obsess''. Enjoy the weekend guys, I'll see you on Monday, most likely with another review. Look after one another, stay safe and for the love of everything holy, play some good old rock 'n' roll music.