Heavy metal rules

Another Monday? Ugh why? Didn't we just have one last week? Are we really gonna keep doing this?

It's about time I get back to ''business as usual'' right? So here I am for another album review. I don't know what it is but I've felt so un inspired to write about music these days. And I kinda really wanna write more about new releases. You know while they are still relevant. Yes Guns N' Roses, Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen will always be relevant but what I really mean is, writing about albums when they actually come out…

Alright, so this is about Steel Panthers newest album ''Heavy metal rules''. Here's the deal, I LOVE Panther, and I love their stupid music, and the entire design of this album is amazing. But the music? I'm not so sure of that one. I gotta admit that I liked ''Lower the bar'' a lot more than I do this one. Of course it's rather obvious that for this band you need a good sense of humour. And it's also obvious that this band is talented enough to write hits as good as (and in some cases better) any 80's hair metal band. But this album feels repetive and like it's more swearing than music.

The fact that they combined music and comedy as they did and they're keeping this act up for the better part of almost 20 years that is crazy impressive on it's own. And if you consider how successful they have become (playing biggest arenas in multiple countries) then you really can't deny them the spot in the music world they deserve. Even if our Sunday lunch consists of me turning on ''Rock Radio'' while we eat and ''Comunity property'' comes on and you just see my family members choking on soup one by one when they catch a verse or two of the song. Makes me giggle each time.

I take it you all saw the on going war between the Panthers and Nikki Sixx? I gotta say I was really annoyed with him. Nikki I mean, yeah yeah he's still my baby and I love him and all that but jesus tone down with the hypocricy would you? Stepping up to ''defend'' Vince Neil would only work if you weren't even meaner towards him in the first place. And let's not even start with this whole ''friends'' thing when we all know how the last tour looked like ''4 buses, 4 hotels and 4 planes''. Fact is, when Michael Starr replied to that question ''which dead rockstar you'd bring back if you could?'' with Vince Neil, I didn't even see it as an insult. Vince we see now and his vocal abilities are just a shadow of the Vince we once had. Sad but true. So this war right here? Makes me feel like someone (coughNikkicough) really just needs some attention.

Now back to the record. Musically I love it. Satchel is brilliant and shreds some incredibly firey solos on this album. But lyrically…I don't know, a lot of fuck this, fuck that, fuck everybody going on. I'm torn between rolling my eyes and going like ''well stop promising and have at it''. Before someone attacks me of being a ''snowflake'' or whatever the popular term is these days, I'm not offended by ''fuck'' or the gross sexism they tend to display, I know it's a joke (as inapropriate as it is) and I take it as such. What really bothers me is that after a while all the fucks get a little boring.

The album starts with ''Zebraman'' which is really a thirty second rant about how Heavy metal rules. No protest here. It really does. I agree. You know how it goes ''Death to all but metal''. And that fades into the first song ''All I wanna do is fuck (myself tonight)''. I can't even write these tittles without stupid giggles. Basically I'm 10 years old yes. Title aside, I'm quite confident in saying that this is one of the best songs on this album. It gives the allure to the movie Hangover and the video is just hysterical. But what I do love most is actually Michaels voice. You know early into Whitesnakes career (OMG would you believe I still don't have Whitesnakes new album???) when Davids voice was so silky smooth? It's kinda like that but perhaps even better.

''Lets get high tonight'' is rather self explanatory, don't I get that. Aren't we all searching for something to take the edge off? Life is too hard to stay sober all the time if you ask me. What's cool about ''Let's get high tonight'' is that it's more aggressive and heavier than most of this entire album but it could still be the best soundtrack for any party scene in any one of these dumb films they release these days.

I like ''Always gonna be a ho'', cuz it's like slow and easy then it grows into a really killer chorus, though the lyrics, ah well might as well be. I bet it's better live because it just sounds like a live anthem. It makes me literally laugh out loud thinking about it. Imagine this, in the 80's and later 90's you had your stadium anthems ''Living on a prayer'' or ''Sweet child of mine'', just thinking about hearing both live even now gives me goose bumps all over my body. And now stadium anthems are ''Comunity property'', ''Glory hole'', ''Always gonna be a ho''? so wrong. Where is all the romance gone to I wonder. And the worst part is that it works! Did y'all see Steel Panther at Wacken when Comunity property came on? OH.MY.GOD. I guess that's the only part that really kinda turns me off you know. I'm boring and romantic like that, to me a power ballad should be so sappy you need insulin not a song about hoes and skanks and bitches with lyrics you need birth control just to listen to if you know what I mean.

''Always gonna be a ho'' switches the gear to ''I'm not your bitch''. Now that's a song I can really relate to. Why? Because that is so true. I never was and never will be anyone's bitch. I've been walked on and used and abused so many times but now? Now it ends, I cut poisonous people out of my life and I will try my very best to work on a healthier lifestyle for myself. So there I aint nobody's bitch. Plus bonus Jay Ruston contributed to the sound on this album and in the rhythm part of this song I think it really shows.

I know I said all the ''fuck this fuck that'' on this record gets kinda boring, but the song ''Fuck everybody'' is actually brilliant. Maybe if there's a song like this where every other word is fuck the rest should be toned down. Anyways, I suppose this is about as much of a protest as we can get from the Panthers. But lets be honest, don't you get fucking pissed off at drivers doing stupid shit on the roads because they check their phones? Or people not picking up after their dogs and you step in it with your brand new shoes? It's enough to make one crazy believe me, or in Panthers case enough to make you say ''fuck everybody, everybody can suck my dick''. I mean, amen is all I can say to that. Though usually when I get super fed up and in a fuck everybody mode their ''crimes'' are a bit more serious.

''Heavy metal rules'' which has the same title as the album is kinda a let down really, rather repetive and boring with the whole ''heavy metal rules and everybody else can suck my dick'' okay Michael we get it you want your dick sucked. Though I believe the ''message'' if we can even extract one from it, is that they actually love heavy metal and being idiots on stage. God bless them for wanting to bring hair metal back. Nobody and I do mean nobody would be happier than me if spandex, tights, long hair and makeup on men comes back. For real!

This is the point where feminists probably stop listening and to be honest I have to admit I was a bit conflicted too but then I was like ''fuck it, all in good fun''. The songs that follow are titled ''Sneaky little bitch'' and ''Gods of pussy''. To be fair that second one, the title, I can't stop chuckling over it. God bless you if that's true. Too many women complain how their men don't know what they're doing in that department. You know what Freddie Mercury said ''I pitty your wife if you think 7 minutes is forever''. Kinda the same thing if you know what I mean. The song itself? Eh. Also rather boring. Repetive. No real text just going on and on with the ''gods of pussy''. We get it.

''Sneaky little bitch'' um…lyrics may be a bit much even for me. Not something I'd imagine myself singing along to without turning the colour of egg plant.  Respect boys I don't blush that easy. But the guitar on both songs? Amazing. Satchel is so good I sometimes wonder if it's not a shame. You know, he could EASY shred through any Metallica song (sorry Kirk, please don't kill me) and by that I don't mean replacing members I just mean…playing in a different band, where it's not all just a joke. I get that's what he wants but that doesn't stop wondering. I get a serious Eddie Van Halen vibe with him. But not just Satchel really, under the dick jokes and offensive sex references there are 4 insanely talented musicians that know very well what they are doing. Talent doesn't even begin to cover it.

The album ends with a ''power ballad'' ''I ain't buying what you're selling'' with acoustic guitar and keyboard. And also, quite possibly the least offensive lyrics they could muster up. Leaves you curious if they ever wanna change and be ''serious'' and you know what? God forbid. As rude as offensive as they are I never want them to change. I love them just as they are. The world is too serious as is aint it? Though maybe change up the vibe of whatever you release next, this one is good overall but it's not great as it could be, it kinda lacks the catchiness and greatness the past songs had. It feels kinda…tired, like songs that someone had laying around and decided to give them a second shot after they were ruled out as not good enough. 

Else the vinyl design? Oh hell! This is literally my first ''clear'' vinyl and it's like blue splattered type thingy. And I died when I took it out for the first time because it is gorgeous. Lets just not get into what it actually reminds me of. Dirty thoughts all around. Hah.

Either way, I still enjoyed this one and it made me laugh out loud a couple of times. So I'd give it a listen if you're curious about the band, if not, I'd still get it just because it's super gorgeous. Hah. And if nothing else they catch the great essence of 80's rock and metal music which as I said I would just die to have returned. Back then music meant something, today, it's all bullshit.

So give this one a spin or a listen or better yet, go check out some YT videos from the boys. They instantly cheer me up when in a bad mood. Which is every Monday morning. Or Monday. Or morning.

Now if you'll excuse me, ''suffering'' from a mad artist inspiration rush and I feel like I may just die if I don't get a blank piece of paper and a box of new sharp deliciously smelling coloured pencils.

Happy Monday (if that's even possible).