Since I don't have you

You know I have a serious problem of seriously crushing on Duff McKagan? Like, when he was on stage in Vienna singing Attitude I probaby died a little and came back no joke. But then again I have a serious problem with this entire band. Have you ever seen or heard a better band? The voice, the guitars, bass players face. Lord have mercy.

Have you seen that thing Duff does with his hair though? That thing! If he'd do that to me on a meet and greet I'd be done for, dead and done at his feet…this thing…

Lord have mercy. Alright since it seems that today I'm in full GN'R fan girl mode, (when am I not?) below is something I wrote a long time ago but never posted, simply because I didn't have the vinyl to go with, but now by some insane luck and amazing boyfriend I do have it and so help me god if there wasn't the fear of damaging it I'd literally sleep with it under my pillow. I did mention fangirls are crazy didn't I?

I was obsessing over this record for so long I don't even know how many hours I spent stalking it online. Something's missing now when I stopped doing that, but then I realized there's still GN'R Lies, so hey another obsession to deal with. Hah.

The most dangerous band in the world they call it. I don't know why, to me they look like a bunch of kittens and if this is about booze, drugs, sex, can't we all agree that the Crue were far worse or do we have to count how many times Sixx died? (no offence baby, I still love you). Did you ever think about how ironic the Moscow peace festival from 89' really is? (I'd kill to be there btw) A concert with the goal to help fight alcoholism and drug abuse with young people and there you've got the Crue, Nikki himself said he doesn't remember shit because he was having a withdrawal crisis, then you got Skid, Sebastian said that he was completly smashed and running from his manager that wanted to kill him. Lord knows Ozzy wasn't innocent either. And all that in Moscow in 89'? What. The. Hell.

90's were wild though, I mean GN'R took no shit in the 90's did they? I mean they dropped Use your Illusion I and II same time as Nirvana put out Nevermind, not giving a damn, millions spent for music videos, Axe being a huge diva, causing trouble and even a riot and let's not even begin with Slash vacationing at the Four Seasons with a mountain lion. A damn mountain lion! Like how do you even…what has to go through one's head, jesus christ, and where did he get it?

So The Spaghetti Incident? was released in 1993, as the bands 5th studio album. The only studio album to feature rhythm guitarist Gilby Clarke and the last album to feature Slash, Duff and Matt Sorum. I don't care much about Matt we all know that there's only one drummer *coughStevencough* fit for this gig and I will fight anyone that disagrees here. But Slash and Duff leaving that was a catastrophe.

You know what's so funny actually? That the hype around this album was huge, yet people were disappointed and back in 1993 records stores literally couldn't get rid of them and today it's considered the ''holy grail'' it goes for insane ammounts of money online. Isn't it funny how the world works?

Now I agree, this album doesn't come near Appetite or Use your Illusion, but hell I love covers and I love how these are made. Since I don't have you is totally my song, I get goose bumps all over each time it's on the radio, and I think I made it clear above just how much I fancy Duff's version of attitude.

Slash said that this record was to alleviate pressure of the Illusion albums, aparently while recording longer tunes such as Civil War and Estranged they played around by covering punk rock songs. This is just like Sweet child of mine. Did you know that the famous intro that probably everyone on this planet knows was just Slash fucking around because he was bored? That's like insane. What kind of a genuis is he? My god.

And the name! So aparently the name comes from Steve hiding his cocaine in the fridge calling it ''spaghetti'' so people wouldn't know. And when the band was sued by Steven him blaming them for his addiction (I mean the band sure didn't help him but was this really nessesary?) the judge asked Duff if he can tell them about the ''spaghetti incident''. I can just about imagine Duff starting to crack up in that judges face.

I heard a different story though, far more disgusting and that was that it was actually a bet, Between Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx as in how long can they go without showering and still get groupies to sleep with them, aparently at some point one of them got sick just smelling them and threw up on them, and what she threw up were spaghetti and that was supposed to be super funny to Axl so he named an album after it, though unlikely I got to say I laughed out loud reading that. It would so be the ''terror twins'' to do something as idiotic.

I guess you know what the real issue with this album is? An unadvertised and hidden (starting at 2:17 in "I Don't Care About You") song by Charles Manson titled ''Look at your game, girl''. It caused a storm safe to say with law-enforcement and victims-rights groups expressing outrage over the damn song. Axl said it's just a hidden bonus track and that they're not giving any credit to Manson while Slash said it was naiive and innocent black humor. Some humor if you ask me. But then again looking at Marilyn Manson who named himself after him…I mean… I think people didn't get what Axe tried to say though, he wore a shirt with Manson's face in my opinion to make a statement, everyone expected him to becasue everyone just assumed he's the bad guy and bat shit crazy when in reality he's far from it. Of course the song was removed from later pressings and the thing was put to rest. Kinda.

So many people hate this album, so many ''die hard'' fans can't stand the thought of it, but you know what I the completly obsessed die hard fan think? That it's awesome, that it shows one of their really amazing works and that it's just pure and massive punk rock tribute to other amazing bands but totally renewed and delievered in a completly new light.

You tell em' babe. To end this post I'll copy a quote by the Geffen records about it:

''So think of The Spaghetti Incident? As the equivalent of Michael Jordan playing a pickup ball game. It doesn’t count in the standings; it’s just raw talent kicking back and cutting loose. (Geffen)''

There you go, and that's all I've got to say today. Enjoy your Easter guys, spend it with people you love or like me, burried under tons of university work, trying not to stress cry every ten minutes. Hah. I hate you statistics, I hate you SO much.

P.S. I told the proffesor that us artist just don't do math like, ''do you think Michelangelo did math?'' and he brings me a book in which there were Michelangelo's sketches with actual math on them for the Sistine chappel. God damn it. This fight isn't over yet mister, you won a battle but not the war.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, No escape from reality.

I havent written anything worthy of the title ''blog post'' in such a long time. It's not just that I was busy, it's that I wasn't…feeling like myself you know? How long does it take anyways after a traumatic event, one that just doesn't seem to end, to pick yourself up again? How long till you feel normal again? Sometimes it feels like forever. Like I'll never be ''normal'' again, like parts of me just died with all the people I loved and lost and with all that ''ugly'' people did to me. And I guess I ran out of those ''normal'' parts. Human parts. Maybe some people just can't be saved you know? Or happy. Maybe happiness isn't meant for everyone. Or maybe just isn't meant for me.

Sometimes I don't know what to do, what to think, sometimes life seems too dark and things seem too hard. Sometimes I just don't want to be bothered you know. Gosh I don't know where I'm going with this, I'm not making any sense.

Point is I don't understand humans, I know I say this a lot but these days I really don't. How can one determine how bad a certain situation is to another human being based on their age? I've been through some tough shit in the past and some even more fucked up shit now, and though I'm 20 something that makes no difference, it would be tough on me even if I was 50 something. I don't know anymore. What the hell is the matter with me? Why can't I see the world like other people see it? Why am I so different? Why am I so broken? Why can't I just fall in line and be like everyone else. I know that it's supposed to be a good thing if you're not a sheep, if you don't fit in but stand out, those people usually make a difference on this planet. But hell, it is torture. I just honestly want some love and acceptance.

I don't know where I'm going with this, suppose what I'm trying to say is that despite all the pain and suffering and confusion you gotta accept that life is like art and sometimes things just don't go right and you might not know which way you're going but you have to accept that because only then you can actually move on, evolve and grow. I guess.

I suppose this is enough mumbo jumbo for one post, I best get back to the only thing I'm actually good at which is music. I chose a record that's real close to me this time. A band I grew up with and always loved, also seen live, well…kinda…

Queen plus the amazing Adam Lambert. I always wanted to see the original Queen to be fair. Freddie is Freddie after all, can't be replaced, but hell Adam is the next best thing, he's amazing, he's got a voice of an angel and the moment when he steps to the side and they show Freddie on the big screen. It's just…a moment you can't describe with words. It's amazing that's what it is.

I guess you could say I ''kinda met'' Freddie anyways…

Back to the music, they've got so much good music, and so many albums I love. I literally only own four but I think out of the four this one has to be my favorite. ..

So this album was released in 1981, sometime during the fall, October if I'm not mistaking, of course it was an instant success, number one on UK album chart and 800 ! weeks in the UK charts. It's literally the best selling album of all time in UK having sold over six million copies. I mean woah right? That's just amazing. It's also 8 times platinum in the US and generally Queen's most successful album worldwide given that over 25 million copies were sold which I believe puts it on the list of the best selling albums of all times along with names such as Michael Jackson, AC/DC, Pink Floyd, Led Zepp, Guns N' Roses,…

Aparently the track listing and the cover are not the same on all of the continents, instead they were depending on what singles were released where and what songs stayed on the charts. I read in a magazine once that despite the band being so popular some songs were literally filler songs on some of their albums, such as Love of my life and Sweet lady. Can't really say I agree, okay Sweet lady whatever, but I always liked Love of my life for some reason…the song first appeared in 75' on ''A night in the opera'' and I don't know I guess I like the feeling it gives you, when it seems like it's a love song but then you sit down and listen and it's actually about heartbreak. Did you know how wildly popular this song was in South America? Huge crowds singing every word 100% correct which just shows you how strong and amazing music is, how it has the power to connect people together, because those fans mostly didn't speak English and yet, they sang those songs along with the band absolutely perfectly.

I got the European version of the album meaning unlike US it doesn't have ''Under pressure'' with David Bowie on it. Which is kind of a disappointment, I mean that song…woah. Two such amazing vocals, that fit together so perfectly. ''Why can't we give love that one more chance?'' yeah, my thoughts exactly.

Did you know that the critics never likes Queen? That they really dished out some of the nastiest and sometimes homophobic insults? How idiotic isn't it? Such a great band but treated this way? Fine maybe sometimes they knew how to be a bit theatrical and flamboyant but hell it's all in the name of Rock n roll as Nikki would say. Nikki Sixx I mean not me hah. But at the end of the day these guys wrote some of the best hard rocking and energetic songs and hell this album is nothing short of a perfect example of their astounding talent. I mean there's a reason behind why these guys were one of the biggest bands in the world back in the late 70's and early 80's.

Their music was successfull both critically (despite the obvious dislike) and also commercially, I mean their songs are some of the most iconic and influential songs of the time period. Just take a look at Bohemian Rhapsody. I mean that's not a song, that's a SONG. It's so complex and so perfect. The Telegraph once called it ''the song that will cure your illness''. As in it was voted as the best song to listen when you're feeling down. And it's kinda hard to argue specially if you think of Freddie's amazing vocals.

There's always two types of people when it comes to greatest hits albums some saying that this is nothing but a greedy move to get more cash while others love them as a reminder of what made a band great and a means to make sure the band is not taken for granted. I agree with the latter. I like greatest hits albums, I like enjoying the best songs by a certain band all together on one album, though it happens a lot that songs I find best aren't even on the album but still…

This one though…they delivered if we forget about Under pressure for a second you've got Bohemian Rhapsody, We will rock you, Killer Queen which I just LOVE, of course also Another one bites the dust, Crazy little thing called love, Somebody to love and one of my absolute favorites Fat bottomed girls. Freddie is amazing and his stage persona was larger then life (Wembley 1986!) but jesus christ how Adam sings that song? Live? I thought he will end me, the voice, the dance, the sassiness. Jesus take the wheel I am no longer in control kinda thing. He really is all that.

My point, I feel like this album really is a great mix of song styles that creates a varied and great album for literally everyone to enjoy and I think that shows in the number of copies sold. It's a great album for old fans to enjoy and a perfect album for new fans that are just starting to like the band, I think it really captures the band at their best moments in music history and honestly if Dark side of the moon is an album every music lover should own then so is this one.

Speaking of, since I literally have it in all versions now, vinyl, CD and digital (shoot no cassette ha ha) I think I'll go hunt down my iPod and get lost in the music for a bit, I've got some difficult things to deal with in the morning, things I'd rather hide as far away from as I could but what's gotta be done and all that, right? Someone once told me that you always have to pick the path that scares you most because that is the only way you'll grow and I suppose they were right. I suppose it's okay to be scared sometimes as long as you don't let that fear stop you from playing the game you're playing, the life you're living, the things you want. Being brave in the eye of the storm, now that takes real courage and I hope someday when all of this is over, I can walk out of that storm with my head held high and a stronger, better person.

Gallery dates with you my king are my favorite.

''In a room full of art...I'd still stare at you...''

''Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted.''

''Explanation kills art.''

''Art is not what you see but what you make others see.''

I'll never forget our first date, the way you looked, where you took me, how hard you tried to look interested though I know it was so far from things you'd normally care about but you tried your hardest for me. I'll never forget how you looked at me and I'll never forget how you made me feel. And the funny part is, here we are five years later, same place, same date, same feelings. Nothing's changed only maybe that I love you more today then I did on that day five years ago.

''And I caught this feeling that I can't explain, got my heart speeding, every time he says my name, I got a good thing, I got a good thing and I call him baby, I'm seeing blue skies, first time in a long time, right there with his green eyes, looks like the rains gone and he's my rainbow.

I don't know what I did to deserve all of this, he's fine, he's mine, just one kiss from his lips makes me wish that I could stop time, yeah the boys is all mine.''

Is it dark, where you are? Can you count the stars where you are?

''Is it dark, where you are? Can you count the stars where you are? Do you feel like you are a thousand miles from home?

Are you lost, where you are? Can you find your way when you're so far? Do you fear, where you are? A thousand nights alone.

So here we are set into motion, we'll steal a car and crash in the ocean. You and I, caught in a fading light, on the longest night.''

''It's enough, just to find love, it's the only thing to be sure of. So hard, to let go of a thousand times or more. I was close to a fault line, Heaven knows, you showed up in time. Was it real? Now I feel, like I'm never coming down.

So here we are, set into motion, steal a car, crash in the ocean. You and I, caught in a fading light, on the longest night.

I recall when we were together, even now it seems like forever. So alive caught in a fading light, on the longest night.''

Howie Day - Longest Night

There was really no way of knowing but look at us, baby, we're still going.

January 1st 2013

She woke up late morning after a crazy night. New years parties were always crazy in her world. The memories of last night flodded her mind despite the alcohol that probably still lingered in her veins. Smiling brightly she looked to her left, he contently slept next to her. The grin got bigger as she got up and walked to the bathroom, brushing the whiskey from her lips and glitter our of her hair then pulled on a pair of skinny jeans, her favorite cropped Guns n' roses shirt and studded boots, doing her makeup took her a while, her face kept splitting into a grin she couldn't hold back.

Walking out of the bathroom she saw him still sound asleep. Rolling her eyes she sat on the edge of the bed pressing a soft kiss on his lips to wake him up but found herself suddenly shifted and under him. Squeeling in surprise the squeek turned into giggles. He laughed. ''No! Don't! No! My makeup!'' She protested but still laughed with him as he pressed random kisses all over her face. He moved away looking deep in her eyes, smiling softly. ''You're amazing''. He said watching that blush he'd never get tired of spread over her face.

For a moment she couldn't even process this. She woke up with the man she was madly in love with and he felt the same. What are the odds? Love never works that way. Usually you always fall for someone who will never fall for you.

''People warned me about you, you know''. A smile tug at the corner of his lips. ''Did they now?'' he asked casually, amused. She nodded slowly. ''But I don't care'' she added, laying her head on his bare chest. It felt like heaven.

Banging on the doors brought them back to reality and made them jump up. ''Y'all better stop whatever you're doing, cops are here''. Rolling his eyes he fell to his back and groaned. ''Seems like the people were right'' he said and got up to get dressed, she layed down watching him. Her eyes following his every move, his every muscle. ''Like what you see?'' he asked, ''you know I do stud'' she replied jokingly making him laugh.

When he was ready they walked out, his arm around her shoulders. She spotted the new ''sheriff'' that replaced the other one just 3 days ago sit behind the bar with two other cops playing around with his notepad. What is it with cops and their obssesive behaviour towards bikers and their clubs? ''Ah miss, I was hoping to catch you here''. He said offering her his hand, she took it, fiding out his name but not really caring about it. Offering him a charming smile she sat down, her boyfriend hoovering somewhere behind her. Boyfriend. Boy it felt good saying that. ''What's this about chief?'' She asked, thanking the bartender who offered her a cup of coffee. It was 11 am already? How did that happen?

''We're here based on an anonymous tip''. Of course they are. ''And what was it this time? Who is missing? Or dead? Or what illegal activity are we guilty of this time?''. She asked completly calm, slowly sipping her coffee as he explained. ''Well it would appear that your club has been accused of storing and selling illegal weapons'' a low chuckle left her lips. ''Would you like to check officer? Oh hey here's a wild idea, frisk me first'' she replied slowly while getting up, in jeans so tight they left nothing to imagination and spun around in front of him. He frowned. ''Sit down miss'' the cop snapped glaring at her. ''You don't seem to be too worried about these accusations'' he muttered studying her face. ''Why should I be? It's all lies anyways'' the girl hissed through her teeth, slamming the coffee cup back to it's plate a bit too roughly watching the contents swirl around.

''In my experience experienced criminals usually tend to react the way you just did''. ''What exactly are you implying chief?''she asked picking up on a change of tone in his voice. ''Nothing yet but be sure I will be keeping a close eye on your uhm...posey''. He can not be serious? ''Be my guest, I will even make it easy for you and tell you our whereabouts for the entire year.'' She said sweetly. He looked at her surprised not sure if she was messing with him or being serious.

''So I see you and him are getting real close''. He muttered, glancing back at her man staring at them barely even blinking. ''So?''. ''Was he ever abusive with you?''. Oh my god! He asked that question completly calmly making her gawk at him. This conversation went into a whole different direction. Was he insane? What the hell was that about? ''Only in bed, I like it rough''. She replied flatly, noticing the discomfort on his face, something inside her spiked with pride. ''I see, and is it serious between the two of you?''. ''I don't see how's that any of police's business'' she snapped getting up. ''It's not I suppose, I would just hate to see a sweet girl like you get pulled into the crime society that is him and his damn club''. ''You have a good day now chief''. She snapped and walked away.

She stood in the hallway watching the cops leave when she felt strong arms wrap around her waist. ''I doubt anything ever turned me on more then you sassing that cop did just now'' he said with a low growl and a hint of amusment in his voice. ''Fuck the po po'' she muttered turning around in his arms and pressing her lips on his feeling them spread in a grin in the kiss. It was in that moment they both knew that their lives together won't ever be boring or ordinary but also nothing short of amazing.

I’m stuck here wondering what I did wrong for you to leave me here, all alone.

Pet shop boys have a song ''What have I done to deserve this?'', I'm not much of a fan but I can relate to the song title. It's a question I've been asking myself...too many times in my life probably but this month? On a daily basis...

I tend to avoid any and all really personal journal type posts. It's private, not something that should be shared online. Maybe writing a blog almost nobody reads can ease my soul a little bit...

I don't know what I've done to deserve the life I live. Nevermind the past, nevermind the future that I probably don't even have. I mean the present. The present that is nothing but god awful. My 2017 wasn't great and everyone kept telling me ''don't worry, 2018 will be better, it can't always be bad'' I don't know where that shitty logic comes from, I really don't. I can't even begin with the hell 2018 is turning out to be.

Few months back I thought my biggest issue was an university exam I didn't feel prepared enough for but passed anyways. Boy was I wrong. I feel like I'm cursed. Everything wrong that can happen will happen to me. It started with my car being totalled. And I had such a hard time processing that. I still can't process how everything I love is taken away from me, those of you who know me better will understand this sentence better.

But hah, I couldn't know that that was nothing comparing to what 2018 has in store for me. In a span of a month I didn't just lose my father but my entire family, who is more concerned about getting as much of his ''wealth'' as possible then my well being. Did anyone ask me how I'm doing? Did anyone care if I'm alright? Did anyone ask how I'm coping? No. I'm in the middle of this storm and all I want to do is scream and cry and hurt someone, anyone, all of them. Hurt them as much as they hurt me. At the end of the day it's not them, it's me, I'm the one who lost everything. They were always a lousy family to begin with, I never mattered in their eyes but this? This is crossing all lines.

And I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I feel so lonely and so unwanted, so cheated, so destroyed, so damaged, so unloved. I tried to convince myself that I'm okay, that I'm fine, that I don't even care. But at the end of the day all I did was bottle up all my emotions and what's going to happen when they finally blow up?

Thing is people around me keep asking me if I’m okay, and I keep saying that I’m fine, that everything is fine, and they see me breathing, living and they believe it. But the truth is that deep down I’m falling apart, I’m collapsing, I'm choking. My world is shattered, falling apart at the seams. But the ironic thing is I keep smiling. I keep pretending. I keep moving on, keep on hoping. Hoping that someday, somehow the pain stops. Doesn't look like it will but some blind, idiotic, sadistic part of me keeps on hoping.

And you know the sane part of me knows it's pointless, all of it. It's pointless losing sleep over someone that isn't losing sleep over me. It's pointless feeling heartbroken over people that were never heartbroken over me. It's pointless. All of it. So then why can't I just tell everyone to fuck off and leave it at that? Why? Am I stupid? A complete fucking idiot? What's the matter with me?

Thing is, such things will never stop hurting. And they will never get better, and I don't know why I'm clinging to some false hope. I shouldn't hope, I shouldn't think ''well maybe...'' there is no maybe, there is no silver lining, things are the way they are and as soon as I learn to understand that...the better.

Truth is, I miss my dad. I even miss our fights and how he used to drive me insane. I miss all of it. And I can't comprehend how the only people, your family, your own blood, the one that should be there by your side to help you cope is treating me the way mine is treating me.

At the end of the day I'm nothing like them, money isn't my priority, I'd give it all up in a heartbeat just to have more time with dad. I was robbed of a family to start with and now of my time with dad too. No matter how much I complained over him, he was a good man and I know he loved me, he just had a funny way of showing it, but then again so did I. We were just the same. Truth is, I am not okay at all, truth is that I don't know if I can handle all of this, truth is I don't think I'm strong enough, but the truth is also that I have no choice.

I was just wondering...how much do you think a person can take before they break down? And also what happens when a person is to broken to be fixed?

Wasted heart.

You're my flower, you're my road, that I try to stay up on, even when things ain't your wrong, yeah you stayed with me.

You don't stay for what I do, sleepless nights I drug you through, when I say the things I don't mean to, you stay there with me.

You uncovered this sound-loss soul, should have gone baby long ago, but you shined a light where it was dark, on my wasted heart.

When I flew, you hold me down, when I crashed, you were the ground, when my bones scattered all around, you stayed with me.

You uncovered this sound-loss soul, should have gone baby long ago, but you shined a light where it was dark, on this wasted heart.

My wasted heart, needed healing and you saved it for me, I've got a new start, rest your eyes in time, these days we'll see what I never could, yeah you stayed with me.

Duff McKagan - Wasted heart