What do you believe in? Love? Friendship? Faith? God? Magic? Vampires? Ghosts? Lately I don't believe in much. Except maybe that life is a fortune wheel, when it spins and gives you some good luck, it's bound to spin back and hit you twice as hard. What is that line in that MCR song Destroya? ''You don't believe in God, I don't believe in luck, they don't believe in us, but I believe we're the enemy''. That. We are our own biggest enemies. Was just thinking about that while constantly sabotaging myself and bringing myself down, with scenarios that never happened, and will never happen, but still play in my head like a cheap Hollywood production. And with stressing over people that are not worth a second of my time, let alone being upset about. And dwelling over the bad times instead of the good times. I don't know you guys, sometimes I just want to sit in the middle of the street and scream, maybe that would make me feel better. Get the frustrations out. Or just get me locked up. I guess that wouldn't be so bad either, if I can't get along with the so called ''normal people'' then maybe the crazies (I say this with love, no degradation to people with problems) are my crowd. We're all a little crazy after all.
I'm still moping about the cancelled Bruce Springsteen concert yes. And I know, I KNOW, it's not the end of the world, worse things happen on this planet every day. I get that. And I know I have nothing to complain about when looking at the bigger picture, but it's heartbreaking when I spent the entire year looking forward to it, and prioritising because who the hell can afford so many expensive tickets these days? Then to have him say, oh sorry, no luck this year, maybe next year. Next year when we're all dead. I'm being pessimistic I know, but who can tell for sure? Nobody that's who. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy he cancelled and is using the time to get better, I'm just salty over cancelling THAT date, not the four in Spain starting today. I'm sorry if I have any fan readers from there, I hope you guys have fun tonight, but I'm sure if roles were reversed you'd feel the same. Another year and half a month wait time is A LOT. And it cost me Yungblud today. Which sucks even more. Y'all know I LOVE that kid. Love will tear you apart and fuck you up right? It sure feels like it right now, my love for music is tearing me apart. I guess it also doesn't help that the concert was supposed to be in Italy, Italy my beloved, I could be wasted on my third Aperol before noon, loving life at the Piazza Del Duomo but no no, no fucking Piazza or Italy, but home, doom and gloom and rain and cold. Wtf is this? It's the middle of June and I'm typing this in a hoodie.
And it doesn't help that I got my first commission (paid in full) in a year which is a goddamn miracle believe me, I could cry glitter and candy. A commission? And paid? Impossible. Well possible. I should know better though, shouldn't I? Because when did things in my life ever go according to plan? Never thats when. What is that saying? A donkey only walks on ice once? Who does it multiple times? An idiot that's who. And who's the idiot in the story? Me. I'm the idiot. Of course the commission ends up being something I do not want to draw at all, and of course it's for a person I do not like at all. How is this even possible? Like statistically? How do the stars align like this? Also how bout aligning into something positive? Like I'd have nothing against a dinner with Tom Cruise, so next time he stares into my eyes it's not because he almost tripped over my filthy biker boots but because we're talking some deep profound shit, like is there life in space. Shut up and let a fangirl dream okay? Maybe dreams will make me feel a little bit less of a sellout, ''case closed, soul sold''.
And it doesn't help that my fave snake ring broke, that it never stops fucking raining, that my mail got lost probably in the depths of hell when it's really two hours away and hasn't been delievered in a month, it doesn't help that though I felt overly inspired, I missed out on MerMay, it doesn't help that all I do lately is cry over dogs and sappy romantic novels, wishing my life was like a book. Wait. Romantic book. My life IS a book, only it's a horror story. Alright enough whining, I'm going to throw everything off my desk, tie my god damn hair up, get my sixth cup of coffee this morning / afternoon and see what I can do to fix at least a couple of disasters shadowing me right now. Remember kids don't drink cappuccino after noon and Free Palestine.
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