Devil inside

When was the last time I complained about people? I know I do it all the time but I feel like I haven't in a while. Though where's the point really? People will always be people, horrible, selfcentered, mean, judgemental, awful. Animals. And that might be an insult to animals.

I don't know how to restore this faith in people, how to think they're not so bad, or so horrible, when the only people that were supposed to be there for me when things are the hardest are against me. Being abused by your own family is not something I'd wish upon anyone. There's a moment when you realise you're all alone. The only people that should have your back if something goes wrong are the ones that stab a knife in it. And that hurts.

And the worst part is that I try to convince myself that I don't care, that it doesn't matter, that I'm better off without them but at the end of the day I realise I'm alone. With no one to turn to, and that's a dreadful feeling. And not just alone with nobody but also with nothing, no assets, no money, no savings, no nothing, over night. Due to your family that took everything from you.

And I hate what this situation is turning me into, same monster as they are, hateful, vengeful, out for blood, same animal as they are. I hate the pain, the anxiety, the stress, the health problems this is causing me. And what I hate most is that I can't do shit about it. I am no control freak, I don't need to be on top of every situation but I can't stand not being in control of my own life. It is torture.

On a lighter note… I did something for myself if I should put it that way and went out on a Friday night. After a….very long time. Safe to say I have no interest, will, desire, to even go out, to be around people. I never really did but it's even worse now. I can't help but think of every single possible hidden agenda someone who is nice to me could have. Or why on earth someone comes over to talk to me? There must be something behind it no? I can't find it in me to trust anyone and the paranoia is starting to get on my nerves.

Point here though, after a rough start Friday night and after quite a lot of booze it was a great night. Times are tough and I tend to forget about the things I love most, and how much happiness they bring me, it's like I can't enjoy them anymore, but I was remembered how much I love music, live music. Small, hot, sweaty night clubs. And that moment, the moment where the music hits you and you feel no pain. You forget. You get lost in the music. These are the moments I live for. I can't find the same love, same thrill in anything else.

Livin on a prayerrr 😍 #livingonaprayer #bonjovi #jovi #jbj #kobrarockshow #livemusic #musiclover #lovemusic #lifestyle #love #perfection

A post shared by Nikki Ross (@purpleskyline) on Aug 31, 2018 at 3:30pm PDT

The band I listened to is a local band. Small local band. They play covers of all my favorite classic rock songs. Now you know how I feel about cover bands. Bands that take one band and copy everything that band does. Not a fan. But this is not that kinda band. This band does their own music as well as a mix of all the biggest classic rock hits, and I love that, it's like seeing all my favorites on one concert.

Super talented musicians too, should get a lot more attention then they do. But isn't it always like that? Musicians like Bieber get world fame while someone that has an amazing voice or is an amazing guitarist, bass player, drummer, whatever else, gets ignored? I always hated watching talent shows for that exact reason. The pretty boy that looks like One direction or Bieber always won over someone with a powerful rock voice even if he had no real talent. How stupid is that? Like there's no space for rockers in the music scene. And quite honestly the rock n roll genre really needs some new young bands to carry on the torch. To continiue the legacy.

Sometimes I need a little push, someone to tell me to just do something, just go somewhere, to stop finding reasons why I can't and why I shouldn't but rather just do it already. It usually turns out to be the right thing for me to do. The right way to go. I guess lately all the insecurities and all the rest made it even tougher for me to decide, to think, to do anything really.

It's amazing how something that you really should throw behind you, people that are poison that should be out of your life without a second thought can fuck you up so badly. My biggest issue this year should be studying for my final year of university, not where am I getting money to pay my lawyer bills that are stacking up. I should worry about attending parties, going out, enjoy life, gettbing a good job after my diploma not cry into my pillow each night because I just can't take it no more.

It's not right nor is it fair. And I can't begin to understand what I did in my life to deserve this. I must be a trully awfully horrible person because things like these just can't happen to good people.

I wanna remind you guys, if you have a good home, good loving family and partners, or kids, cherish them, hug them a bit tighter, tell them you love them often, not only they can be gone in a blink of an eye but just that alone, family, love, having that, makes you richer and luckier then so many people on the planet.