I don't even know.

Is it possible for wishes to go bad? Let me rephrase this, you have a dying wish so to speak, wanting something so bad for so long and when you're finally there, finally make it true...it slowly crumbles to dust at your feet? I'm not talking about ''be careful what you wish for'' type thing. Or maybe. I don't even know.

I need to vent a little because, I feel cursed. I feel like everything in my life is destined to fail. I feel like my entire life is a failure at this point. I feel like everything I touch will eventually fall apart. That is why I don't dare dreaming about good things no more, I dread surrounding myself with good things / good people. I've come to a point where I'm essentially afraid of life. Because everything and I do mean everything ends up a wrong turn, a lesson, a bad experience. And I am so tired you guys. So tired. 

I feel like I can no longer get excited about things, look forward to something, enjoy...basically anything. I don't think I know how to be happy no more. People tell me to ''be more positive'' to have a ''better outlook on life'' and all I wanna do is scream, because how do they not get it? What is there left to be positive about? To get excited about? To be happy about? Absolutely nothing. And finding pleasure in little things? Not really. Not anymore anyways. Art feels like a chore or a mediocre distraction. And medicating with wine only works so much. There is nothing that would fix the chaos in my head or the hurt in my soul. 

I am so tired. And not tired in the meaning of the word. Not tired for sleep. Even if coffee is all that's keeping me functioning. But no no, tired in a deeper type way. In a way that is always present, lingering, never really releasing me. It's like a demon sunk his claws into you and refuses to let go. I think I'm tired by life or tired of life. Exhausted by the noise and also by the silence, the loneliness and the chaos, tired of having hope that ends up in despair. Always. So worn down of this place, of this world and everything in it, and nothing in it can soothe my soul. I am tired of the tiredness itself and there aren't enough hours in a night to let me rest the way I need to. 

I don't know where I'm going with this, nowhere I guess. I think I just needed to put thoughts into words. Some of them. There's too much chaos in me to describe. Nor would I know how to. I guess I just had one too many heartbreaks and disappointments. I guess I just no longer know how to cope. I don't know. 

Moments

You guys know I loved writing about vacation and travel right? Exploring new places, seeing new things...lately I haven't been blessed enough to go on a vacation some place else, tropical for example, I'd love that, just blessed enough to go back to the places I love most. Which honestly aint bad either and aint something to complain about. We have a saying ''povsod je lepo a doma je najlepše'' which I'm sure exists in many languages and it means essentially ''everywhere is nice but it's nicest at home'' and it's true. I keep saying, I don't need to see the entire world to know that our tiny Pirano is the most beautiful place on earth. Because it really is. And nothing beats the feeling of knowing that this is actually our home, tourists gawking at it, marveling, and we get to call it home. I feel like we often don't appreciate what we have. 

I spent a lot of time this year with American tourists. Yup me. They came and went with those god awful cruise ships that I will never like, but they were all really nice people. Eager to explore, learn and experience and believe me I LOVED all the questions I got. I love people who ask the proper questions. I made some new friends, mostly four legged ones you're right but also human ones. I know that's always shocking but believe me, it happens. And I finally got to experience IT. You know what it is? It could be something so filthy ha ha. But no, what it really is is the view I've been chasing for years. The moment when you're standing on the beach, watching the ocean and see the mountains in the back. It never happened before and this year I could see them in their full glory. The photo doesn't do it justice but still...

This was taken with my old Canon btw, Nikon stayed home, all the following pictures, moments if you will, or maybe lame attempts to get back into photography (see how I failed spectacularly?), are unedited and taken with my iPhone 13.

Pictures are jumbled not at all what and how I wanted to post them, but then again so is my life. A complete fucking mess.