Some days you need the music, but some days, you need the lyrics.

 

All of these games we play...

I am counting down days to several exciting things. I'm not spilling what they are just yet though, you know me, always superstitious and the last thing I need, is to fuck something up by talking about it before it happens. BUT! I wanted to take a moment to...I don't really know, record this moment in time? A moment in which I'm actually excited about the future? If you know me you know that's rare, and a reason to celebrate it and document it. 

It took me a while, ''a while'', lets face it an eternity is more like it than ''a while''...to come to terms with some things, one of it being, stop stressing over things that are not in your control. Maybe I might be a little bit of a control freak and accepting that I can't change certain things is very hard. But I want to do better, I want to, learn how to let go, if I can't change it, I won't be losing sleep about it. In theory. We all know as soon as I hit post and grab myself a glass (or a bottle) of wine, I'm right back at it, gnawing at my insides about wanting to change everything, me, my life, my surroundings, the world. It is nerve wracking. Maybe people can't really be changed, or helped. 

And I learned that I don't owe people shit, no interaction, not my time, not my love and damn straight no explanations for the things I do, or for the way I live my life. I do things my way, lets face it, I never wanted to be normal, I never wanted to follow some ''path'' or some ''guidelines. That's not me, that's not who I am. I'm weird, strange and unusual and truth to be told, I like it that way. Maybe I'm like a friend once said a ''glitch in the matrix''. I don't owe people no insights into my private life, cutting down screen time and limit to what I post has been the best choice I made in a long while. Privacy should be treasured and not everyone should have the privilege of an insight into it. I don't owe people an explanation of my feelings. This is how it is, this is what and how I feel and I don't feel like elaborating. People don't really care in the first place. 

I've actually realised along the way that most people don't deserve second chances, or your time, or love, or even sparing a second thought for them. All people do is disappoint you, all people do is let you down. And all you should do is leave them at the bottom of the grave they dug you. And my biggest issue with this is that I am tired, tired of the drama, tired of grown ass adults butt hurt over comments on Facebook, tired of hate speech, tired of hate mail, tired of hate hate. We have so many bigger problems than what some asshole called another online. We have so much rage and so much hatred and so little love, and it exhausts me you know. 

I'm tired mostly of humanity I think. Humans are too much. Too exhausting. Too stupid. Too slow. Too tiring. Too...everything. And I just need a break. So...I am done, done apologizing for being me. Yes I am confrontational sometimes, and blunt, and maybe rude at times, and too honest. Yes if you disrespect me or those I love I will destroy you with rethorics and if you hurt them I'll hurt you back twice as hard. I am so sick and tired of molding and changing myself to fit in a society I don't even want to be a part of in the first place. Tired of being silent in order not to insult idiots. So tired of putting everyones feelings before my own, when they have zero compassion for my own. Done. 

So! That is why focusing on the next few months, (baby steps when I say I am excited about the future guys) and all the exciting and good things they are bringing. And focusing mostly on myself, growth, love, passion, art,..and those few people around me I actually care about. If I can't make the world shut up for a moment to let me breathe, the next best thing I can do is create some peace and some happiness in my own world. 

Is this life for livin'? Oh, ease my mind, ease my mind...

Can you guys believe I attended two local concerts lately, and haven't yet bitched about them? It's coming don't worry. You know I have plenty to complain about. But other things first because they've been invading my thoughts like the plague. Relationship wise. Male need to protect at all cost. Is this a...biological instinct that remains from primitive times? Is this a hero instinct? Maybe protecting reputation? Proving their worth? Is it also just plain and simple fear or losing those you love? I've been thinking, many times...women don't want protectors (sure in some cases but not all the time), white horses and knights in shining armours. Women just want men they can rely on, men that love them, are there for them, men that listen, men that care. We're all a bit of a romantic, we all want those big romantic gestures, we all let our men ''save'' us from time to time, to make them feel like the hero but...what if this need to protect ends up pulling you apart?

Are you familiar with the work of Sergio Cupido, Romeo and Juliet? Two lovers pulled apart? Kinda like that. Beautiful artwork so amazingly captured by Sergio, the raw emotion, it's longing, pain, suffering. So what if the need to protect is just that? When your heart tells you one thing, and your mind another? In a way forbidden, impossible love just like Romeo and Juliet, is it not? 

It made me think, what do I even crave? Long for? A love so deep it would make the ocean envious. Breathless passionate kisses, with whispered promises. The feeling of...you know when suddenly all the love songs make sense, because you don't listen to them the same as you did, because suddenly, all of them are about a certain person. The kind of feelings writers write novels about...I crave a day when I can go back to drinking coffee, and stop putting milk in it just to match his eyes. Sometimes I crave simpler things, slow morning kisses that turn into more, hands roaming and worshipping every inch of your body. And sometimes I crave things that are completely impossible, for life to go back to normal, for most, not all but most, of the events in the past 5 years to never happen. To be able to swap my heart and brain for another liver, so I can drink more and think / feel less. I crave for the world to be a nicer kinder more accepting place, but that seems like the biggest fantasy of all. Maybe if we draw the line under all my sensless ramblings, we'll realise all I really crave and long for is happiness, but then again who doesn't? 

I don't know I guess I could also write what I don't crave? I won't. If I did, this would turn into a long ass post full of whining and complaining, and I know it's the last thing you guys want, just as much as it ties to this post, I don't think I crave live music as much no more. Concerts used to be everything I loved and craved but now...I think people kinda ruined that for me, like they do all good things in life. Concerts feel more like a chore, like something you have to do as opposed to something you want to do. When we put aside that all my favourites are avoiding Europe as is (I'm looking at you MCR and ATL), and the one biggest event of the year that I was looking forward to for a year was cancelled...all I got are local gigs and I think I wrote about those too many times. They are torture. 

I'll keep the complaints short. The first concert last month I was basically dragged to. All of the above aside, I don't really listen to the artist. In the past I used to love going to shows, giving a new (new for me that is) artist a fair chance, and then decide if I hate it or love it...lately not so much. I guess I'm easy or cheap, and you can buy me with cupons for free craft beer. However I was pleasantly surprised, this singer was...very much our local version of Bruce Springsteen. You know what I mean?  Fantastic musicians in his band, amazing raspy voice, and songs with lyrics you could each use as a whole movie script. People forget it's not just the music, lyrics should be equally important and I'm sorry but that whole, fuck me, lick me, suck me, type songs just do nothing to me. I want deep, profound, I want love, devotion, obsession. Music is supposed to move your soul not just your body.

Now the bad part of it all, the people. I HATE HATE HATE the people in general, but mostly people at local shows. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, I love to let my hair down, drink a cold beer, or two, or three, but what I don't do is stand in the front row, back to the stage the entire time, taking fucking selfies, hang on socials, videochat, talk so loud that you bother people around you because they can hear you OVER the music. Disrespectful to the artist. I want to slap every asshole behaving like this. And it's like a cultural thing, people come out to drink, to get drunk, to bother girls there alone and what's worse they bring their brats! I can not stand it. Please tell me since when are 9 pm shows considered playground for children ages 2 and up. Please pray tell what the fuck is wrong with parents having their offspring on their shoulders, UNDER the overhead speakers not only blocking the view for the rest of us which essentially makes you an asshole but also, no ear covers? Are you an idiot? This is rhetorical. I know you are. This is beyond irritating and it's making local shows hell. It's making them a chore. Lets not even get into support. Do you people know why support bands exist? To warm up the crowd, to get them excited, to maybe give a new unknown artist opening for a bigger star a chance to introduce them to a bigger audience. And what do people do? Not show up, ignore, TALK. I can not stand it. Each and every artist up there is giving his / her all for ungrateful people that might as well sit at home, drink and have youtube playing in the back. It's essentially the same only it's not ruining the experience for the rest of us. Actual music lovers. I know what this is though, most of the tickets were given free and the people that grabbed them? Selfish horrible people, took the chance for someone who would deserve it more and actually enjoy it. Lately it feels more like it's about being seen than actually doing anything purely because you want to. I miss the 80s also btw, when the sky was full of lighters not cellphones. 

Moving on. Second concert. A festival. I love the obvious lack of children on it and I love how the whole city center is closed down and turns into festival grounds, shops, bars, several stages, amazing. It's an annual thing, and I used to pretty much attend it each year, it was tradition with my dad, I guess lately...traditions mean little. I know I should do more to keep them going, but sometimes the very basic ''keep going'' feels impossible. It's a festival arranged by the local brewing company, and it was always free, that changed since Heineken bought it. Ironic isn't it? Huge company, tons of money, and they start charging the festival that a local small almost broke brewery always kept going for free. You can imagine that that choice lowered the amount of people going. But tell you what? Thank God. Thank God they got tickets and thank God there's less people, because people are unbearable and I can't tell you the amount of times I was pushed, hit, spilled on, hit on, or groped by drunk assholes before, who essentially only went to you guessed it, get drunk. Now when the entrance fee is what people call expensive (it really isn't 30 eur per day and you get the best artists in the region, out of who one will cost you more than 30 eur per concert) they're gone, and the rest of us can enjoy the music. Thank God, Satan and Judas for that. It was getting really boring to move out of the way, to keep an eye out for the crowd more than the stage, to get beer stains out of my clothes the next day...I swear I have a pair of cowboy boots that once took the hit that STILL reek of beer. But okay, the kid that spilled that on me at least had the decency to feel bad, tried to dry out my shoes with his hoody and bought me a drink. I'd be rude saying they're all assholes. Just. Most of them. 

All the memories of the festival are pretty blurry and a mess I can't tell you who I watched when, not because I'd drink, sad reality is last year I had to be the only 100% sober person there (driver) which made dealing with humanity harder. But I can tell you they had Airborne once and it was freaking amazing. This year? Baby Lasagna my beloved. Before you come after me with Eurovision preformers, let me point out Baby is Croatian and I knew of him before he even set foot on that Eurovision stage. And before we get political, I don't care why each preformer stood on stage instead of boycott, we all know that entire EU boycotting it will never happen, I did because it was important to me, but I'd never expect the artists to do the same, the real question here isn't why they were there, the real question is why one specific country was. But that's besides the point. Marko only did a few songs, I assume he was awfully tired, he came straight from Exit festival...and I missed the begining of the set because our public transportation is absolutely fucked. Hey here's a thought, dearest wanna be green politicians, why don't people use trains? I don't know...could it perhaps be the fact that THERE ARE NO TRAINS?! I was livid, I was angry, I was seething, and I was even angrier over the fact that people mope and complain, yet when they should complain to employees they are fucking silent, I end up being the only barking bitch in the fence, and I end up the rude one. Are you kidding me?! But I did get to hear my beloved ''Rim tim tagi dim'' and the brand new song with a video that just makes my soul happy, so that was worth the sauna that was last week. Seriously again, is this Europe or is this 10th circle of Dantes Inferno? You can catch videos on my IG (purpleskyline) just some quick pics, straight off the phone, unedited, I am lazy sorry. 

Second preformers. Local band. Straight from my hometown. Kinda. Singer lives here, director of one of my favourite museums. How amazing is that? Singer in a rock band by night and a museum director by day. They should make a comic book with such a hero. I aint even joking. I'll keep yapping about them short. There's nothing new for me to tell you about them, except that I absolutely love them, and the amount of times I saw them live? Well...I stopped counting at 40...and that was several years ago. If that tells you anything about love. Maybe that's the one thing that sorta brings the spark for live music back? Screaming along to your favourite songs? I guess that part never gets old. And you can tell this band is the audiences favourite. The feedback they get really is something else. Loud. We all know every single word, and I enjoyed every single second of the show, even when the guitarist renamed Baby Lasagna into Baby Tortellini (seriously Jernej what was that? Lol). Let me just point out that after all the years I still wish I lived in a ''street of Mashall Tito''. 

And the last preformer, the headliner if you will. Another new and first for me, huge musical legend in the Balkans and probably all across Europe too. I must admit I don't follow him too closely. I just always knew of him and he always had my respect as an amazing musician and lyric writer. I was...sketchy if I should stay till 2 in the morning and listen to his set, but since I missed some at the start, and had a new cold drink, and paid for what people say pricey ticket, I was like what the hell lets give him a chance. And you know what? I'm glad I did, this my friends was something else. The music? Everything composed so perfectly, the complexity of different instruments blended together in an amazing melody? Wow. The voice? Yes! And in the end, the songs? Deep, poetic, caress your soul type of songs, just what I was rambling about up there. The whole package, everything fits, everything makes sense, everything is beautiful. Everything is...it makes you forget about where you are for a second and nothing exists but that moment, the music, and you. The world and mostly your problems, they melt away. Maybe that's what I loved most about music, the sheer power of making you feel, forget, fall in love all over again. The memories. The emotion. Everything really. I always had this strong belief that music can break and destroy barriers, unite people, bring more love and light into the world. I have this theory you know, it's a little silly but let me have it okay? Why does metal music use so many skulls in their insignia, logos, stage, clothes etc? Because a skull is a skull. You can't tell by the skull if the person is white, black, Asian, Christian, Muslim, rich, poor, gay, woman, man...a skull will always be a skull, and these things don't matter, we're all human, we're all people at the end of the day, metal music don't care, they accept and love everyone. That's what music is to me, a safe space, accepting, loving, happy. What it should be anyways, how much of that is still true is another story. Anyway back to the show. I loved it. So much. Every moment. And I loved it when the singer leaped off the stage, joined the crowd and everyone was polite, moved, make way, nobody was pushing, touching him, nobody caused any problems, tbh security pushing ahead through the crowd was the rudest and completely unneeded. Because there was nothing but good vibes. Was a good moment tbh and another first. I seen a shit ton of concerts but never once was a musician in the crowd instead of on the stage. I'd say they should do this more often but lets be serious, people are animals. 

That's all the complaints I can muster up today. Stay hydrated in this heat kids and stay safe. Cheers, live it up, it's the weekend. 

''History huh? I bet we could make some.''

You know what I love about books? They allow you to get away. Run. Get lost in a world that's not your own. Forget. Disappear for a while. Live a life that's better than yours, or at least easier than yours. Maybe that's why I love fantasy and romance, but hate crime. I've been...not lazy with reading lately, just preoccupied with other things. When it's about art or reading, art always wins. I think as much as running off to different worlds can be soothing, so is watching a pencil glide on a fresh new sheet of paper. My dopamine, fresh sharpened pencils, and a new block of white paper, endless possibilities to create. Tell you what though, I don't miss the frustrations or tearing my hair out when something goes wrong though. Like my favourite white pen being sold out everywhere, what is this? Insanity? Have you all lost your mind?! Maybe that's why I'm constantly stuck on the next thing, the next drawing, because it allows me to get away. Lost in the careful lines I'm making, or the precise shading I focus on, one tiny square centimeter at a time. 

Anyways I made it a point to read at least one LGBTQ related book during Pride month and since June is running out that's exactly what I did. Picked up a gay romance novel that's been sitting on my desk since...July 20th 2022. Yes I can give you an accurate date, no I am not psycho (a little but not in this situation) but I know because I bought it in Vienna before a Guns n' Roses concert. Lets not assume new releases make it here or that we're open minded enough to read gay books. The horror you guys! Two boys in love! It's the end of the world I tell you. A friend of mine does the same, reads LGBTQ books during Pride month, his choice of the month was ''Call me by your name'' which I read a while back and you can read about here ( click ), and I chose ''Red white and Royal blue'' by Casey McQuiston.

This is another ''I saw the movie before I read the book situation''. I know you guys, you don't have to say it, I'm a sinner that keeps sinning. Abomination after abomination. If there's a literary god he or she will come down just to smite me into atoms for this. 

I was intrigued from the get go because can you imagine the scandal! The first son, the son of the president of America AND a crown Prince of England? In an affair! That would be such a juicy scandal, I'm over here cursing because it's not real. Also it made me think while reading the book, what would happen if a Prince or a Princess felt this way? The crown would never allow it to be public, so they'd be forced to what, hide all their life? Marry somone they decide is a good catch, and live a fake life to please the masses? How fucked up is that? Are we still at a point where we feel people aren't supposed to be happy with who they love, because their love is different? Are we still in a place where we condemn a person, because of love. Love, you guys. Love that should be celebrated, love is the closest thing we have to magic, and the thing that is running low these days. It's so easy to hate, it's so easy to ''fall in hatred'' but it is so hard to commit, to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to fall in love...we should do more of that. No matter who with. We should take every opportunity to be happy and to feel love.

The two main characters of this book are Alex, son of the President of USA, who btw is a woman! Divorced, from Texas, Hispanic ex husband. You can tell it's fiction just from this aye? Lol. Someday maybe. Alex is a student, big into politics, big into making changes, making peoples lives better, he's cocky, he's confident, he's sure of himself, to a point where he comes off as arrogant at times, to everyone around him, except those who actually know him. I think we all know the type right? And then you have Henry. The Prince. Second child of the heir to the throne, I believe that's what the Britts call the ''spare''. Ever considered how ugly that is? You have a second child as a ''spare'' so the bloodline lives in case something happens to the oldest child? Again. Fucked up. Alex and Henry are the perfect opposites because while Alex is cocky and aloof, Henry is reserved, and maybe not shy, maybe rather coy? Calm. Quiet. He's a Prince in every sense of the word, when he has to he knows how to turn on the charm and be the perfect picture of the crown Prince, that people expect. I believe he himself said it best, ''Prince Henry belongs to the people'' and that's what he is, a perfect image for the people. This image of perfection doesn't rub well on Alex though, who has a problem with Henry since the second they met. 

On the surface they both despise eachother, but as you dug deeper in the story, you see this is the furthest from the truth as it could be. The feud started with, was it the Olympics? I think so, which were one of Alex's first events as the first son, Henry being used to the sodding circus and heartbroken over the loss of his father, came off as rude, and perhaps condescending to a very nervous Alex who got it in his head that the Prince hates him. Wouldn't it be nice if people just learned to communicate? Just talk. Speak. Open your mouth. Voice your opinion, not everyone will agree, but at least you were heard. 

So years later these two met again at a wedding, that is Henrys older brothers wedding, we all know what a big deal Britts make of Royal weddings right? I think the entire bloody country stops for a week just to celebrate it. How...I lack the proper word to convey how pointless I find Royals in the year 2024. Idiotic. And this whole feud between Henry and Alex could go under the radar if not for a huge cake covered scandal. I laughed out loud at that, because it is hilarious that accidentally smashing a 75, 000 dollar cake (seriously tho??) can cause an all out international dispute. So with the pressure of getting re-elected the President of USA sends her son back to England to ''smooth'' things over with Henry. Fix their international affairs. Let me tell you thoug it was more than affairs he was fixing. Lol. Seriously though with two ''mortal enemies'' and an international stage like this, what could possibly go wrong? 

It's funny because in the begining it was nothing but duty to their country, to their family that kept them obeying orders and tolerating each other. Smiling through the pain if you will. But that rather quickly changed to an unlikely friendship after being forced in a supply closet, during a possible shooting threat. Ah this reminds me of seven minutes of heaven, no wonder truth came spilling out. Honest conversation you guys that was all it took, to smooth things out. Talking, texting, addmittedly in the begining a lot of it was insults but texting insults went into full on love letters. Electronic that is. (Big mistake). A lot of the story is told through their text and email exchange. I'm still deciding overall if I like this or not. I mean in a way it seems like fillers but on the other hand it gives you a better insight into the character itself. 

I am going insane over the fact that it's a New Years party, where drinks are flowing, emotions are running high, the Prince who kisses Alex and sends him reeling. A literal kiss from the Prince you guys! I mean you know I'm a gothic Barbie at best, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the irony of a Princes or true loves kiss on midnight. It came out that Henry liked Alex from the first moment and Alex was just daft. Which man isn't? Tell me ladies, how many times do we find ourselves explaining something to our men, that they are just completely oblivious to seeing? Too many times, that's how many. I gotta tell you, I absolutely loved the slow build up of their relationship, the exploration, mostly Alex, Henry know who he is from the get go, and that's apparently ''as gay as a maypole'', lol. Any Britts round here? The hell is a maypole, and why is it gay? (*Update, I got the response that it's a ''tall wooden erected pole, around which people dance during midsummer. Suddenly everything makes sense. To my SI readers, this is apparently what we call a ''mlaj''.) Alex learning about himself, and his feelings and what it all means...I loved it. Not because Casey did a really good job of conveying the message but also because it made me think about how many Alex's are out there. Maybe a book like this is exactly what they need to be brave themselves. 

It makes you think though, their relationship, their romance, it's impossible, it's doomed from the get go, like a tragic Romeo and Juliet, Samson and Delilah, Cathy and Heathcliff, Tristan and Isolde. Nothing but tradgedy. But fear not my lovelies this book does not end tragic. You know me, you know I can't stomach books with unhappy endings, and you know my best friend, you know he proof reads endings for me. It's hilarious watching peoples faces when we go buy books together, I'm a visual being, I'll pick up a book if I like the illustration on the cover, I'll hand it to him to read last two pages, and then it's either ''uh huh sister this is not for you'' or ''awww you're going to love this'' that decides if I buy it or not. I guess in a way...that's love too. Understanding that committing to a whole long ass book just to be disappointed by the end really isn't my cup of tea, and doing everything in his power to prevent it. 

It's funny you know because...I don't think this book is targeted at teenagers, and I'm pretty sure some saucy bits could make parents blush, but thinking about it, what it would mean for confused and lost teenagers to read such a book, to maybe understand better, to cope. To allow themselves to love. Hell I know I'd love books when I was younger that would make me understand me. Not sexually speaking though we've all established I may be bisexual, Angela Bassett, that's all your fault, so help me Jesus. On a serious note, parents have the talk with their kids, about the birds and bees and all that crap, I think we all had it at some point, awkward and bizarre...but let me ask you this, parents assume, they give you the safe sex speech, but...what if you're not in fact straight? Or just confused...my point is, I'm glad such books exist now, so that the LGBTQ kids have something uplifting to read and feel less alone. Let me point out again, if any of you out there need a safe space to talk, vent, cry, laugh, celebrate, confess, leave me a message here, I promise you, this space is always a safe space to talk. 

A lot of the story revolves around politics, the race to get another Presidental campaign, the campaign itself. Running for office, the press, the duties of Royalty etc. It's all...overwhelming, not to you as a reader but just thinking, the lack of freedom and the sorta opression they all live under. I'm not going to babble endlessly about the book, you have to read it, I'm not spilling the ending either, but! I will tell you about what I loved the most. 

Firstly, Zahra. She's the Presidents deputy chief of staff, often forced to essentially ''babysit'' the Presidents son, or rather fix up the messes he makes. I found that oddly, familiar, I often find myself in the same situation. But I loved her. Funny. Witty. When she told Henry she will ''Brexit his head from his body'' I laughed out loud. 

And secondly. The date. THE FREAKING DATE! I would sell my soul to Satan to have someone take me out like this. Or murder. Jury still out on that. I'm kidding. Maybe. Seriously guys, Henry took Alex in a freaking museum, in the middle of the night, when it was empty, to dance in front of an altar, joking to see if it will catch on fire. Lol. Not to mention he had everything memorised and could explain all artefacts, where they come from and what they mean. Sure a Prince should know his country's history, even if it's all stolen. But for real, I am frothing at the mouth, I am chewing glass, I am crying glitter. The perfection. Me and who? When? A date like this is everything in my book. I mean I'm not saying I didn't have a...simmilar...type of date, but the romance of this is killing me. Perfection defined on those couple of pages. 

And a couple of words on the movie, it's good sure, cast was chosen fantastic, Alex's sister apparently killed off, but of course it's nothing like the book. I think it's a staple we can surely always use. The book is always ALWAYS better than the movie. BUT! And this is exciting, the movie is getting a sequel! I went all iiiiiiiip when I heard about that. I mean it probably won't be based on a book like this is, since there is no book, but can you imagine they get married in the sequel? Oh. My. God. Now that is a royal wedding I could watch. 

Any books you recently read and loved? Re read maybe? Let me know in the comments, always open to new suggestions, that I then never get to read. I am a hopeless case like I said many times before. 

Sanctuary.

When the darkness don't let you sleep, I'ma hold you close,
And when space is all you need, I can let you go,
And if the spark in your eye goes out, I can be your glow,
Bringing you home, yeah, Bringing you home.

I see your hurt, I feel your pain,
All of our dirt is washed in the rain,
I've walked that road, I've felt that shame,
No place is home but times, they are changin'.

This is our sanctuary, we can find shelter and peace,
This is our sanctuary you are, you are safe with me.

When the race starts to take its toll, you can slow me down,
'Cause we both know that the world's turned cold,
And I just need you now,
Keep holding on, hold onto me, hold on.

You see my hurt, you feel my pain, 

All of our dirt is washed in the rain,
You've walked that road, you've felt that shame,
No place is home but times, they are changin'.

This is our sanctuary, we can find shelter and peace,
This is our sanctuary, you are, you are safe with me.

We share this hurt, we share the pain,
All of our dirt is washed in the rain,
We've walked that road, we've felt that shame,
Mmh, times, they are changin.

Our sanctuary, 
You are safe with me.

I'm fighting the changes that are tearing my heart out.

This is gonna sound like such teen angst type of post. Or, I don't know, maybe it's just teen angst in my head. It's hard to think through this pounding headache that never goes away, and the haze of emotion that's hard to decode and pin point, but none of them positive that much I know. I was just talking about that wheel of fortune thing a while back didn't I? How if things have been good and happy for a while they're bound to fall back to misery at some point. I believe I also mentioned I'm afraid of going back to those dark spaces again because they're going to feel like the deepest part of Inferno I've ever been in? Yeah. Seems about right...

I am so tired you guys. So tired of being different. So tired of being yelled at and degraded for things I can not change. So tired of having my feelings invalidated. ''Why are you so sensitive?'' ''What did I say that was so bad?'' ''Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?'' ''What's wrong with you?''. You see, what is wrong with me? Everything and nothing. And your ''nothing'' is a big deal to me. Do people ever stop, and think before they speak? Do they ever think, that not just their actions have consequences but also that their words carry more weight than they think? To you it's nothing. To me...evil, vile, rude, mean. And I am tired of listening to it daily. Honestly? I am sorry, that I can't be normal, I am sorry I don't fit in the ''kinder, kuche, kirche'' model. People have no idea how badly I wish I was like them, stupid, content, without personal opinion, just another sheep in the flock, following the leaders and not have a single fucking care in the world. Happy in my own bubble. Or happy as a cog in a well oiled machine. NORMAL. I'm sorry that your version of adapting, where it's always ME adapting to everyone else just isn't cutting it. I'm sorry I can't fucking do that. Or better that I don't know how to do it, that I can't find boring mundane conversations ''stress relieving''. I'm sorry I have to stick out like a bruise on pale skin. I'm sorry I don't want what is supposed to be normal. I'm sorry I am apparently not in fact, normal. I'm sorry I don't have my shit together. I'm sorry the world is not a good place for people like I am. I am sorry I am ''crazy''. 

And I'm sorry, that at the end of the day an ''artist'' or as people like to say it ''failed artist'' is all I am. I don't know why that is not enough, but I'm sorry if that's all I really know how to do, express, create, scribble. I wish I was better, I wish I was more, I wish I was everything YOU wanted not me, because if not happy, maybe at least I'd live in peace. I don't know. I just wish things were different I suppose. I wish, I could break free from these barriers, I wish I could rewire my brain, I wish I could see the world, technicolor apparently like you people do. I wish I could just be whatever is supposed to be ''normal''. I wish I could want things that people find normal, white picket fence, 2,5 kids, husband, career, soccer mom car, pastel clothing, Karen hairstyle. I guess I wish I could grow up?

This is the part where I was supposed to be uplifting, where I'm supposed to tell you that it gets better. That the problem is not me, but people around me, degrading me non stop, the world which is really not made to fit people that are a bit different, a bit ''weird''. But I can't. I don't have it in me to be even a smidge positive, I'm sorry guys. The sun may be out and shining but all I'm seeing is darkness. That heavy cloud that lifted a while back? It hit full force and it feels like the world will never be happy again. All I'm seeing is sadness. All I'm seeing is...negativity. I already gave up on being understood or loved, that's out the window, but how about tolerated? Can we do that? I guess that is out of the picture too. So what gives? What remains? How do you change things that can not be changed? Do you just pretend all your life? If so...how do you make it not lead into insanity? Oh right...I used to be normal, I should just go back to that...pretending. Always pretending. Always masking, always keeping the perfect fucking facade on. Because that's what's expected of me, because nobody likes who I really am. Nobody. Nobody. Unlikable. Unlovable. 

I don't know where I'm going with this, reaching out, hoping someone out there feels the same. Making them feel less alone. Or maybe documenting my insanity for someone to read someday, when the last tiny bit of self control goes to hell, and go ''well it all makes perfect sense doesn't it''. I guess it will someday. Just not THIS day. 

I was honestly hoping an answer to all my questions lies in learning about myself. Getting an answer to why I am the way I am. And I got that. And I am grateful. But what changed? A lot. But not for the better. Worse. I expected a moment of clarity. Understanding. Sun shining through those fucking cracks we all have, and that can at the end of the day be beautiful. Golden. Love and light. New start. But what did I get instead? Darkness. Ignorance. Hatred. ''You used to be normal''. Lets face it, I never was ''normal'', I was just damn good at hiding it. And I guess I got lazy, comfortable, let people see the real me, and it was really telling to see who stayed and who bolted. Maybe the most telling is the fact that I lack support in my own family. I get it, you don't understand me, I don't understand you, but if I borrow this from my dear Keith Haring ''you don't have to know anything about art to appreciate it or to look at it. There aren't any hidden secrets or things that  you're supposed to understand.''.  Just like art, maybe some things are not supposed to be understood just accepted, appreciated as they are, dare I say loved? 

I'm not going to preach to you that it gets better, it really doesn't. I never gets any fucking better. What it does, it gets easier. You learn to live with the pain, you learn to ignore it, you learn to grow around it. Should you be forced to do it? Absofuckinglutely not. But here we are regardless, fighting the good fight. 

Salud you guys, I'm grabbing a glass of wine and praying to whatever higher power there is up there that life gets a tiny bit fucking easier. Be safe, love each other and don't forget now and always ''Free Palestine''. 

''Sold my soul to the devil for a pack of lights and a night spent in jail I can keep as a memento.''

What do you believe in? Love? Friendship? Faith? God? Magic? Vampires? Ghosts? Lately I don't believe in much. Except maybe that life is a fortune wheel, when it spins and gives you some good luck, it's bound to spin back and hit you twice as hard. What is that line in that MCR song Destroya? ''You don't believe in God, I don't believe in luck, they don't believe in us, but I believe we're the enemy''. That. We are our own biggest enemies. Was just thinking about that while constantly sabotaging myself and bringing myself down, with scenarios that never happened, and will never happen, but still play in my head like a cheap Hollywood production. And with stressing over people that are not worth a second of my time, let alone being upset about. And dwelling over the bad times instead of the good times. I don't know you guys, sometimes I just want to sit in the middle of the street and scream, maybe that would make me feel better. Get the frustrations out. Or just get me locked up. I guess that wouldn't be so bad either, if I can't get along with the so called ''normal people'' then maybe the crazies (I say this with love, no degradation to people with problems) are my crowd. We're all a little crazy after all. 

I'm still moping about the cancelled Bruce Springsteen concert yes. And I know, I KNOW, it's not the end of the world, worse things happen on this planet every day. I get that. And I know I have nothing to complain about when looking at the bigger picture, but it's heartbreaking when I spent the entire year looking forward to it, and prioritising because who the hell can afford so many expensive tickets these days? Then to have him say, oh sorry, no luck this year, maybe next year. Next year when we're all dead. I'm being pessimistic I know, but who can tell for sure? Nobody that's who. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy he cancelled and is using the time to get better, I'm just salty over cancelling THAT date, not the four in Spain starting today. I'm sorry if I have any fan readers from there, I hope you guys have fun tonight, but I'm sure if roles were reversed you'd feel the same. Another year and half a month wait time is A LOT. And it cost me Yungblud today. Which sucks even more. Y'all know I LOVE that kid. Love will tear you apart and fuck you up right? It sure feels like it right now, my love for music is tearing me apart. I guess it also doesn't help that the concert was supposed to be in Italy, Italy my beloved, I could be wasted on my third Aperol before noon, loving life at the Piazza Del Duomo but no no, no fucking Piazza or Italy, but home, doom and gloom and rain and cold. Wtf is this? It's the middle of June and I'm typing this in a hoodie. 

And it doesn't help that I got my first commission (paid in full) in a year which is a goddamn miracle believe me, I could cry glitter and candy. A commission? And paid? Impossible. Well possible. I should know better though, shouldn't I? Because when did things in my life ever go according to plan? Never thats when. What is that saying? A donkey only walks on ice once? Who does it multiple times? An idiot that's who. And who's the idiot in the story? Me. I'm the idiot. Of course the commission ends up being something I do not want to draw at all, and of course it's for a person I do not like at all. How is this even possible? Like statistically? How do the stars align like this? Also how bout aligning into something positive? Like I'd have nothing against a dinner with Tom Cruise, so next time he stares into my eyes it's not because he almost tripped over my filthy biker boots but because we're talking some deep profound shit, like is there life in space. Shut up and let a fangirl dream okay? Maybe dreams will make me feel a little bit less of a sellout, ''case closed, soul sold''. 

And it doesn't help that my fave snake ring broke, that it never stops fucking raining, that my mail got lost probably in the depths of hell when it's really two hours away and hasn't been delievered in a month, it doesn't help that though I felt overly inspired, I missed out on MerMay, it doesn't help that all I do lately is cry over dogs and sappy romantic novels, wishing my life was like a book. Wait. Romantic book. My life IS a book, only it's a horror story. Alright enough whining, I'm going to throw everything off my desk, tie my god damn hair up, get my sixth cup of coffee this morning / afternoon and see what I can do to fix at least a couple of disasters shadowing me right now. Remember kids don't drink  cappuccino after noon and Free Palestine.